


Therapy Sessions

by ElloOubliette



Category: Harry Potter - J. K. Rowling
Genre: Abused Sirius Black, Alternate Universe - Non-Magical, Bullying, Homophobia, Hurt Remus Lupin, Hurt Sirius Black, Implied/Referenced Child Abuse, Implied/Referenced Rape/Non-con, M/M, Minor James Potter/Lily Evans Potter, Rape Recovery, Remus Lupin Needs a Hug, Sirius Black Needs a Hug, Sirius and Remus are not friends, Therapy, focus is on recovery, loopy lupin
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-06-19
Updated: 2020-09-07
Packaged: 2021-03-03 19:07:21
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Rape/Non-Con
Chapters: 24
Words: 41,111
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/24800554
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/ElloOubliette/pseuds/ElloOubliette
Summary: Remus is forced to go to therapy after a traumatic event. Sirius is forced to go to therapy because he keeps getting into fights. Neither of them wants to be there.
Relationships: Minor or Background Relationship(s), Sirius Black/Remus Lupin
Comments: 109
Kudos: 213





	1. Introduction

**Author's Note:**

> So this story might be a bit dark. I have some weird issue where I really like hurting my favorite character, unfortunately for Remus that means him. There is also a lot of curse words, just incase I thought I'd warn. I hope you guys enjoy it! - Myka

Hogwarts had never had a counsellor before, this lady was brought in specifically for this situation, she was only supposed to be here for him.

He couldn’t help the groan that escaped his mouth as he stood in front of the door. This was his fifth session in as many weeks and he still hated going through that door. 

Of course those sessions before had consisted of him playing with his hands and not saying much of anything while she spoke to him in what he guessed was supposed to be a comforting tone. He could tell she was getting annoyed though as she kept talking for the whole hour and he would only shrug in reply. One hour every week until she felt he was “Mentally Stable” whatever the fuck that meant, it was complete hell and to make things worse he was going to have to talk this time.

She had sent him a condescending letter telling him that should he not speak she’d recommend he be sent to an inpatient therapy program. Like fuck he was going to let that happen. What right did she even have to do that? Sure he hadn’t spoken to anyone since it happened and his grades were slipping, but wasn’t all that to be expected? Fuck he’d been the one hurt, he shouldn’t have to be punished for it further. 

That door was so fucking awful anyways, she’d plastered it full of motivational posters with lame ass sayings like “Hang in there” and “The only way to guarantee failure is to never try”, they were dumb and carried over into her new office, the one he’d fucking secured her in the first damn place, if anything she owed him. Her whole damn office, even the disgusting door was thanks to him, so sending him away seemed pretty god damn selfish if you asked him.

She was a disturbing kind of woman anyhow, so how he was expected to tell her plump ever cheery face anything he really didn’t know. She was supposed to be here to talk to him once a week, how the hell she’d convinced Dumbledore to make her a permanent fixture he’d never know. Now she had this cushy little job listening to the sick musings of all the rich dicks that went to his private school. Why anyone would tell a lady like her anything he couldn’t understand. 

Her clothes were always a myriad of disgustingly bright colours and patterns and her hair looked like she’d styled it for hours upon hours every damn day and ended up in some fucking rats nest of never ending strains coming out at odd angles. God how she made him want to puke. Even her fucking name was cheerier then a rainbow fucking unicorn: Miss Fucking Heaven-Leigh Bullshit Summers, minus a curse or two. Who even named a child like that? Probably some awful teenage hippy who got knocked up while on LSD.

Not that he’d particularly mind leaving this god forsaken school, He’d really considered just going home. At least then he’d not be the crazy, poor, gay kid in a sea of rich assholes. Had it not been for the amazing Lily Evans he’d have packed a bag the minute he got the god forsaken letter, but nooo Lily begged and whined and cried at him and he gave in like a moron.

So here he was, and this time he needed to talk.

xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

Why the hell did he have to go to therapy? Wasn’t this meant for people like Loopy? He had nothing to do with what happened to that freak. Yet Dumbles sent him this stupid letter telling him he was to have an appointment with the new counsellor due to some dumbass fight he’d gotten into with his brother. 

Just because he’d gotten into a few fights since he was unceremoniously kicked out his parents house, that somehow meant he needed therapy? What a load of shit. This was going to seriously cut into his very important prank planning time with James and honestly Dumbles needed to think about what this was going to do to his dating game, no one dates freaks who go to therapy.

Only upside was the counsellor look kinda cool, she had funky ass hair and worn clothes that made her look like she smoked a bit too much weed. He was willing to bet he’d be able to give her some sob story, pretend to talk it out and then be on his merry way, he was nothing if not a good manipulator.

James was never going to stop mocking him once he found out he had to go to therapy tomorrow. Obviously he was still going to tell James, after all he needed to complain to someone. Hell maybe they could figure out a way to steal Loopy’s file from her office, find out what actually happened to the kid.

Loopy Lupin had been attacked or something a couple of months ago, and he’d been moping around the school ever since. Fuck Lupin if he couldn’t take a bit of an ass kicking without having some crazy mental break down and forcing Dumbles to hire a counsellor. The kid was a freak anyways, he’d probably deserved it.

Ugh so therapy tomorrow.. he’d better tell James.


	2. Remus Lupin - Session #5

Remus Lupin Session #5

“Good evening Remus, Please take a seat” Miss Summers greeted the same bloody way she always did, in the same fucking sugary sweet voice. God he loathed her.

“I take it you’ve received my letter?” 

“Yeah I got it. Thanks for that.” Of course bloody well he did, office admin called him down for it he didn’t really have a god damn choice. He got it in plenty of time to spend the rest of the week freaking out about being locked up like some fucking psychopath. 

“It’s meant in genuine concern Remus, you can see why it would worry me that you are unable to speak during our meetings, can’t you?” Her head did this weird tilt thing as she asked him, like he should know exactly why she was concerned. Spoiler alert he really didn’t care if she was worried or not.

“Not really, I didn’t want to come here in the first place” He wasn’t about to spout some bullshit to her, she wanted him to talk then he was going to be honest, fuck his usual need to be polite, that was stolen from him along with his ‘Give A Fucks’.

“Remus, what you suffered was terrible and traumatic, you need to talk about it” She said this in her patented ‘I care about you, you poor little soul’ voice, if any of her multitude of emotion filled voices pissed him off, it was this one.

“No, you need me to talk about it, I’d rather not”

“Remus, your grades have been suffering, I’ve been told you’re not even speaking to your friends, and you looks as if you’ve not slept in days. This is why I want you to talk about it” She really couldn’t have sounded more judgmental if she tried, she went on and on about his healing process in the last four sessions yet here she was judging the way he coped.

“What the hell is talking about it going to change? Can talking about it un-rape me? Is it supposed to make me magically feel like none of this ever happened?” really what did she think he was going to say to that, ‘Jeez Miss Summers, once you put it that way it all makes sense now, let me tell you my whole life story and we can have a good fucking cry session together’ yeah fucking right.

“No Remus, unfortunately talking can’t change the facts, but it can help you come to terms with them, and cope more effectively with them” She was trying to reason with him and honestly she was doing a piss poor job, she sounded like one of those crappy ass posters she had stamped on her door.

“Whatever, you won, what do you want to know?” he felt like some stupid pawn in her game, she’d hit him with that letter and he could practically hear her calling ‘Checkmate’. She’d won, so he might as well tell her whatever the hell she wanted to know. 

“If you’re not ready to tell your story Remus that’s perfectly fine, why don’t we just start with how you’re day was today and work from there?” She asked him and really it was the dumbest thing in the world, what she thinks she’s going to learn from how his stupid ass day went was beyond him.

“It was shitty, every day is shitty” He promised he wouldn’t lie so he didn’t, it was a shitty ass day.

“Why was your day so bad?” She did the head tilt thing again while she spoke. She really liked tilting her bloody head at him.

“Cause I’m the school freak now, talk of the town, thanks to everyone knowing the brand new counsellor came here for me” His voice probably dripped with discontent. He hated these questions, they were so see through, everyone knew he was the school weirdo she didn’t need to asked. God the clock in her office seemed like it was set on some kind of slow mode.

“I’m not just here for you Remus, I’m here to help anyone who needs help. What are they saying to you that gives you that impression?” She informed him like he didn’t know she had weaseled her way into a full time job thanks to him.

“Oh you know, Loopy Lupin got attacked, now there’s a counsellor trying to deal with his crazy break down so he doesn’t go ape shit and kill himself” Fuck he shouldn’t have said that, now she was definitely going to have him locked up.

“Do you want to hurt yourself?” There is was, she was probably about to press some kind of panic button that would have him dragged away by men in white lab coats.

“No! God Dammit! This is why I hate this crap, it’s all about spinning everything I say to make me seem crazier so you keep getting paid” He hoped yelling this at her would stop her from asking him anything else on this topic, last thing he needed to do right now was say something that would further convince her he was suicidal.

“That’s not how I meant it Remus, why don’t we change topics obviously this is a bit of a touchy subject” She actually surprised him with this response, he’d expected an interrogation on it.

“Sure, whatever” he didn’t want her to know how glad he was she was changing the topic so he went with dismissive.

“Why don’t we talk about Lily, you can tell me about her and I’ll just listen” No way she actually meant that, four sessions had taught him that if there was one thing this lady couldn’t do it was shutting up and what did Lils have to do with anything?

“What about Lily? Lily has nothing to do with this” 

“Perhaps talking about something unrelated is a good start, I know you and Lily are good friends” She knew him and Lily were good friends because Lily had fucking told her, Lily had come to cry on her stupid ass shoulder and then proceeded to tell him what a nice fucking lady she was. 

“Lily’s great, nothing really to talk about. She’s been there for me since day one, not just after well that, but always” He couldn’t lie Lily had been a fantastic friend.

“It’s wonderful to have friends like that” though it was a dumb platitude she wasn’t wrong. Fucking dammit! She must’ve known Lily was his weak point, the two of them probably planned it during their shoulder cry session.

“Yeah, Lily’s wonderful, it’s gonna suck when she gets sick of me” as much as he wanted to stay as bitter as he was, he had to admit that.

“Why would she do that?” Miss Summers finally found his weak point with that question.

“Isn’t that what happens? I’m this insignificant freak who everyone thinks is about to have some crazy melt down and Lily is perfect, everyone likes her, the most popular boy in school is after her, she’s not going to want to be seen hanging around me once she realizes how much easier her life would be without me” He was pretty sure he’d managed to pull off the emotionless asshole thing in his reply, if he hadn’t then oh well, nothing really mattered anymore so what the hell did it matter if he let a bit of an inflection enter his voice. 

“From what I’ve heard it seems like Lily has an independent mind, she doesn’t seem like the kind to let others sway her opinion” She’d heard that from Lily herself, he was sure Lily talked on and on about how they were best friends, it was the same shit Lily had been telling him since he stopped talking to anyone, she’d been telling him every damn day how much he meant to her.

“She isn’t, I don’t think it’ll be like that, just life would be so much easier for her if she didn’t have to stick up for me all the time. Fuck the girl spends half her day yelling at people for the shit they say to me and the other half trying to deal with James Potter coming on to her, she deserves a break, Potter isn’t going to give it to her, it’d be the least I could do to cut ties” He meant it to, he was causing Lily all kinds of pain with his personal shit. He needed to let go of her so she didn’t have to suffer having to deal with everything everybody was saying about him.

“it sounds to me like your the one who wants to give up on the friendship not Lily” Miss Summers hit the nail with that. 

“Maybe I do, I’m tired of being a burden on her. She’s always there for me, and maybe right now I just want to be left the fuck alone, I wanted you to leave me alone too but I’m apparently not going to win that without being locked up. At least with you I only have to talk once a week” He didn’t necessarily actually want Lily to leave him alone, but he also just so didn’t want to talk to anyone, everyone was so obsessed with getting him to talk right now, it was like the new fucking hobby in the school, get fucking Loopy to talk.

“Friends are important Remus, as they say ‘No man is an island’ I think you’d find yourself rather regretful once you’re further in your recovery process if you gave up your friendships” Miss Summers infamous head tilt rears its ugly head again Ladies and Gents! Every time she spouts one of her straight from a bloody textbook lines.

“Friendship, not friendships, I have one, that’s Lily.. Oh and would you look at that our time is up! See ya next week Summers” He gave her a one handed ‘Later’ wave as he quickly walked out the door with that said, technically he had 15 minutes left, but he couldn’t stand it any longer so close enough!


	3. Sirius Black - Session #1

Sirius Black – Session 1

“Mr. Black, Come in, come in! My name is Miss Summers, I’m the new counsellor here at Hogwarts. How are you today? And may I call you Sirius?” Miss Summers greeted him and wow did she sound happy to have him in her office, she must have been tired of dealing with wack jobs like Loopy all day.

“You can call me whatever you like” He accented it with a wink, flirting with the staff was after all a favourite pass time, and she wasn’t half bad to look at, perhaps a bit eccentric for his style but staff were in a different league.

“Well Sirius It’s lovely to meet you, do you know why you’ve been asked here today?” Miss Summers was apparently going to ignore his flirting, not that it would stop him by any means he loved a good challenge and getting her to react would be a fun goal for today, much better than talking about some stupid fights he’d had.

“Something about a fight with my brother Miss, and a shame that, we were once so close when we were little‘uns, but alas nothing lasts forever Ma’am” Sirius had no plans on giving her any kind of real information, so she’d just have to accept his performance, after all he was a fantastic performer.

“It seems Sirius that, that was your 6th fight since September? Is that correct?” She still didn’t give him the rise he was look for, looks like he was going to have to work for it, after McGonagall though no one could really be that hard to break, he still hadn’t gotten Minnie to give him more than a slight smirk, she was his white whale. This lady would just be a bit of fun on the side.

“Well Ma’am I am dashingly handsome and it seems the older I become the more my peers are allowing their jealousy to get the better of them, it is them not I you may want to speak with” He was giving her top quality charm here, if he couldn’t get her to react he could at least pass this whole session without saying anything of any value. Though his ultimate goal was the crack the lady, she’d either laugh or cry by the end of the year, or better yet flirt back, that’d be fun.

“None of these fights had anything to do with your recent move into the Potter’s household then?” She asked him like she held the key to some marvellous mystery, though it was registered on his file, it didn’t take a genius to find out his change of address. 

“It may very well be, it may well be. See James while not as dashing as me, is quite well loved, Perhaps their jealousy is due to a deep seeded desire to take my place as his true best friend” He really wasn’t going to give Miss Summers an inch, she might as well give up now, he’d only talk about this shit with James. He hadn’t even told Pete what went on, so fat chance he’d tell her. 

“Sirius, I’d appreciate if you could drop the act and actually talk to me” She told him this but his mind translated to Sirius 1 Summers 0! he was thrilled to be honest, he’d gotten his rise, now it was just fun to see how much he could push it.

“What is it exactly you wanted to talk about?” He dropped his joking tone from his voice, he was going to come at her with the fake honesty and genuine bull crap. God this was going to be so much fun, and he’d dreaded therapy for some reason.

“We can start with the fight with your brother what was that about?” She sounded so sincere it almost made him feel bad for what he was about to do.. Almost. Nothing really made him feel anything right now, he was numb so why not have some fun! Plus she was practically gagging for it, he bet her heart skipped a beat thinking about cracking the poor homeless Sirius Black.

“I don’t really know how to explain it to be honest, well we just kind of fell out at some point, we really did use to be very close” Damn he was good, his voice sounded so small and broken. He probably sounded just like little Loopy did when he came here 7 days a week to whine.

“Did your falling out have something to do with your recent move?” She completely took the bait, this was going to be so perfect, James and Pete were going to die when he told them.

“I suppose in part, we were drifting apart before that though. He’s such a stickler for the rules and I was never very good at rules” He almost felt like adding a sniffle to the end of it but figured that might be pushing it a bit far for right now, soon though, definitely soon. 

“Was that why you moved out? The rules at home?” she had tilted her head in sympathy towards him as she spoke, and he figured he os probably going to crush this lady. Sucks to be her really, he couldn’t care less it was all just a game to him lately. 

“Mom is very strict, one toe out of line and she’ll have your guts for garters. I just could take it anymore! Nothing I did was right! I felt like I’d get in trouble for breathing, everything was always my fault!” He added his sniffle at the end of that, hysterical outburst complete. He needed to go to therapy more often this was pretty damn fun. Fuck he didn’t even have to lie, just spin it to make him sound like some whinny little bitch.

“I’m so sorry Sirius, that must have been very hard for you” She actually handed him a tissue, a fucking tissue! What a fucking joke, obviously see wasn’t well liked by the other staff members if no one warned her. He grabbed it and made a show of wiping his eyes and blowing his nose. 

“Everything is just so messed up, I don’t even know what to do! My whole family hates me, I’m such a burden of the Potters!. I feel like everything has gone wrong, no one loves me! No one has ever loved me! Why am I such a screw up?!” He finish with sobs, it was truly a one of a kind performance. James would be so proud of him right now, sure it was pretty mean but hell if anything he should get a goddamn prize he was being totally honest and, she’d just never know that, like fuck he’d tell her how he was kick out on the streets like a dog that pissed on the rug, beaten and with only the clothes on his back. 

“Oh Sirius, I know it doesn’t seem like it now but these things do have a way of getting better as we age. Things mend with time” She honest to goodness put an arm around his shoulders, god she wasn’t very bright was she? Or was he just that good?. Now was definitely his time to strike, he just had to make sure it was absolutely perfect.

“I think that there is something that could help me feel a little better” He sniffled out through fake tears, this would be so glorious!

“What is it dear?” She used her little head tilt thing to try and look at his bowed face. She was really getting off on this wasn’t she? He bet her panties were just dripping with excitement for how she could help his damaged little soul.

“I really feel.. I think.. Perhaps if you gave me a shag I would feel better?” He couldn’t help the grin that filled his face as he watched hers go 60 shades of red, he definitely hit his target and god it was hilarious.

“SIRIUS BLACK! That was not in the least bit funny! I’m afraid I will have to give you detention for your act of complete disrespect!” She was fuming, god that was good, Sirius 2 Summers 0. He so wished he could do it again but there was zero chance she’d fall for his crap again. He could have his last little bit though.

“When for Ma’am as I fear I have detention every day this month” Suck on that lady, god he was going to die laughing as soon as he told the guys.

“Then maybe Sirius detention isn’t the right solution for you. I think maybe counselling once a week would benefit you more, as it’s obvious discipline has not been a help to you” She was so perfectly calm as she said that. Fuck, oh fucking balls, what had he done!? Everyone was going to think he was crazy now, shit! What happened to the plan, sob story then free from this shit! He had it all planned out, but her face and the sympathy it was too good to pass up! God he was an idiot.

“You may go now Sirius” she got up to open the door for him as she said it. He didn’t say anything, really he couldn’t, he just left. She won that round, Sirius 2, Summers 1.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hello People! I have a quick question if anyone cares to comment, I'm wondering if people preferred both a Sirius and a Remus session on one chapter with a page break or liked it as each having their own chapter, let me know if you want to if not that's cool I'll just keep it as each chapter :) - Myka


	4. Remus Lupin – Session #6

“Good evening Remus, Please take a seat” Here we go again with this bullshit. He wondered if she said that to every student who was sequestered to her office because of him in the same ass tone that sounded like liquid sugar pouring from her mouth. 

“How was your week?” She asked as if though something would suddenly change since he’d actually talked to her last time.

“Fan-fucking-tastic, can I go now, I’m all healed” The sarcasm that oozed from his mouth probably wasn’t going to win him any favors, but he couldn’t help it.

“Now Remus, you know that’s not how this works, We’ve discussed in length about the importance of talking in helping your healing journey” She lied, they hadn’t discussed shit, she had talked, he had played with his hands, it was a pretty good system that she’d ruined by threatening him.

“Have you spoken with Lily since our last conversation?” She asked like she didn’t already know the answer, she couldn’t really be that stupid could she? She was so obsessed with him talking, what she couldn’t seem to understand about him not talking to anyone he’d never get.

“No” Short and sweet and still counted as talking to her so she really couldn’t bitch about it.

“Would you like to continue talking about Lily today?” She purred at him like she’d solved a puzzle. What was she in love with Lily? Or did she actual think she’d break him just because he had a soft spot for Lily?

“No” It was true, he really didn’t want to talk about Lily, or how Lily had cried at him for hours yesterday, begging him to tell her how she could help. He’d ignored her and she looked so hurt. He definitely was not going to talk about Lily today.

“Okay, lets move on then. You mentioned not getting along with your peers last week, shall we talk about that?” her head tilted and a face that screamed ‘you poor little thing’ as she spoke. She was so damn repetitive.

“What’s there to talk about, they all hate me and I’m not wildly fond of them either, and now thanks to you they also think I’m crazy” Really what did she expect, she comes here right after everyone finds out he was hurt, sets up fucking shop and thinks his life isn’t going to be worse for it? If Dumbledore had just had him go to some place off campus at least everyone would only be talking about what fucking happened to him.

“Why do you think they hate you?” She asked him like she hadn’t even read his motherfucking file, which was bullshit because she’d read from it several times before.

“First of all, take one scholarship kid at a fancy ass private school, secondly add in the whole gay factor, lastly put a dash of drama and you’ll have yourself your very own outcast! Trust me it’s the perfect recipe” Even for him that was a bit sassy, but after the thing with Lily last night he so wasn’t in the mood today.

“A lot of students feel like an outcast in high school” Wow that was dumb, even she looked like she realized how dumb that was. God what was this her first Job? Probably she only looks about 30 max.

“Well now there’s something I’ve never thought of before! Quick let’s call up Black and Potter, maybe they’ll let me join the cool gang?!” he was so done with this shit, next thing you’d know she’ll actually be suggesting that he follows through on that. He didn’t need anyone, fuck them and fuck her.

“Would you like to talk about something else? This topic seems to be upsetting you” She actually noticed something, and just when he thought the head tilting had damaged her brain too badly for any form of observational thought, Give the lady a medal!.

“No, I’d like to not have to talk at all” 

“Why don’t we discuss your school work?” She was definitely fishing with that one, She must be getting pretty desperate.

“Why? What does that have to do with anything? Listen Miss Summers, I thought I had to come here to talk about being assaulted, not Lily or my peers or my fucking school work” Not that he wanted to talk about it, god did he not want to talk about it, he’d rather camp out for a week in the boys locker room with all the jocks then talk about 'that'. Only thing he didn’t want to do more then talking about it was keep coming to counselling.

“We are here to discuss anything you’d like, your recovery is not exclusive to your trauma nor will I force you to talk about it, If you’re ready to share then you are more than welcome to” She honest to goodness wasn’t going to make him talk about it? There had to be a catch, she was probably just making him jump through hoops so he’d have to keep coming and she wouldn’t have to justify her position.

“Will I be able to stop coming if I do?” He’d probably do anything if it meant this bullshit would stop, he was perfectly fucking fine to deal with it all on his fucking lonesome and staring at her cheery ass face week after goddamn week wasn’t helping shit all.

“No Remus, you will still be required to come here until you are further along in your healing process” She must have some commission on the term ‘healing process’, probably head tilting too. 

“Then why the hell would I talk about it? I’m stuck here anyways, why not talk about chocolate if it’s not going to make any difference what I say” He was most likely her prisoner, stuck here to forever listen to her saying ‘healing process’ over and over for all eternity, he might as well talk about fucking chocolate, at least he liked chocolate. 

“We can talk about chocolate if you’d like” 

“Seriously?!” he was honestly blown away, no way would she actually spent an hour talking about something that didn’t have to do with his bullshit emotions every fucking week.

“Seriously Remus, I’m here to listen to whatever you’d like to say” She said that, but she couldn’t have actually meant it, no fucking way.

“Favorite drugs?” he shouldn’t, but really he just had to test her commitment to this act she was trying to pull off.

“If you’d like, I am however required to inform your headmaster should I hear anything troublesome” She had to be shitting him, he was so tempted to actually see what she’d do if he randomly started talking about smoking something. Then again Lily would be so upset if he got himself expelled, he couldn’t give a flying fuck but Lily did and he did still care about Lily if nothing else.

“So, not drugs then”

“Perhaps stick to caffeine or ibuprofen” Miss Summers cracked a joke, holy crap! He really didn’t think she had it in her, He could've sworn she could only talk in cheap platitudes and clichés. Granted not the funniest but any effort was to be commended.

“School work is fine, we can talk about that” He figured he might as well throw her a bone, after all she probably had to reach to some deep dark chasm inside her to actually pull out a joke.

“Your teachers tell me you’ve not been doing any of your work?” and back she went, straight back into concerned head tilt mode, maybe she’s a fucking robot?

“Just didn’t seem important, can’t really see a point” He really didn’t know how much more he’d have to say before it got through her thick robot head that he really didn’t give a shit anymore, why the hell anything should be important to him right now was a fucking mystery. Jesus how is there still 25 minutes left in this godforsaken session.

“You were a top student before this correct?” another straight out of his records question that didn’t need to be asked, he’s a fucking scholarship student of course he had top grades. 

“Yeah, so? I don’t really care right now if I pass or fail, I don’t see how it matters if I graduate or not it’s all the same after I leave here, eat, sleep, work, repeat” 

“From what I’ve heard you had plans to go to Oxford” She just had to bring that up. Obviously he used to have plans to go to a top university before, but well, not anymore. They wouldn’t look twice at him now this was on his permanent record. Just another thing that was stolen from him. 

“I did, now I don’t care.. and wow would you look at the time! Gotta go” He had to get out of here right fucking now, fuck the actual time left, this was bullshit bringing up Oxford like it was even still a bloody possibility. Cold Miss Summer, top schools don’t take damaged freaks.

“Remus”

“Huh?”

“You’re not to blame for what happened to you, I’d hate to see such a promising future be taken from you also” Her words coming when he was almost out the door, almost free from hearing them. Couldn’t she have just not? Didn’t she know how much losing that fucking hurt? He’d been planning and studying for years for Oxford and now it was gone.

“It’s already been taken Miss Summers”


	5. Sirius Black – Session #2

“Good evening Sirius, Please take a seat” The voice of the ever happy sounding Miss Summers greeted him, from the second he knocked on the door. She must not be too pissed off with him if she still had that golly tone, damn shame that. It’d have been funny to spend the hour with the woman fuming at him. Anyways, he’s got plans with James for this session so it’s probably best she’s not pissed if he wanted information from her.

“Good Evening Ma’am, before I take a seat Ma’am I’d like to ask a favor, You see I’ve completely forgotten about an assignment I have due in the early morning, and well it’s worth half my term grade, So if you’d be so kind as to excuse me this once so I can go to the library and complete it, I’d truly appreciate that” He had to try even with the plan therapy wasn’t some place he wanted to be, so he went with sickly charming, probably not his best bet but worth a shot. 

“Strange it says right here that you have a study period tomorrow morning, I think you’ll have plenty of time to finish your ‘assignment’ then. Take a seat Sirius” She honestly held up his schedule to point at his free period, she must have finally spoken to the other staff, ah well on to the plan then.

“You can’t blame a guy for trying”

“Would you like to talk about the fight with your brother for real this time? Or would you prefer to discuss something else” Probably still expecting him to spout some sad, sad story about the downfall of their relationship, brotherly love gone wrong and all that. 

“Not much to say, Reg was being a dick”

“What makes you say that?”

“I don’t know, he was a dick, plain and simple” Really Reg has become a dick, which really fucking sucks cause they were actually really close, but whatever he left all that shit behind. He doesn’t care about any of this shit. Regulus can fuck off with all those others.

“What about the other fights you’ve been getting into this year?” She’s really fishing for it, there isn’t a sob story for fucks sake, he just doesn’t like those dick head, they’re all the sorry fucks who believe in his parents fucking status and bullshit prejudices.

“All dicks”

“Perhaps we should talk about your move to the Potters, what prompted that?” She still really thinks she’s going to get an inch from him? How sad for her, this was his meeting, he had plans, she wouldn’t be learning fuck all about him. 

“My parents are dicks”

“How about then we talk about living with the Potters, how’s that?” Now she finally asks a question he likes, that’s any easy ass one. 

“Living with the Potters? It’s awesome, they’re great.” He couldn’t deny that, he’d come to the Potters with nothing to offer but cuts and bruises that needed healing and they’d taken him in and called him their own regardless.

“why don’t you tell me about them, if you’d like?”

“What can I say? They took me in, they’re wonderful and living with James is great. I’m pretty much the happiest I’ve ever been, so I really don’t need any therapy” He didn’t need therapy, these are just plain fucking facts, he was bloody happy, he didn’t care about any of the shit that happened before he moved in with James, it was the past anyhow and fuck the past, fuck everything he doesn’t care about shit.

“James is your best friend?” She asked like she hadn’t actually known, so hell maybe she hadn’t talked to the other staff, who knows, bet she eats lunch alone all sad and outside.

“yeah, James is pretty much my brother, less of a dick then the bio one of course” he probably shouldn’t have mentioned the brother thing again in case she swung back around to that topic, not that he cared, he doesn’t care about Reg. It doesn’t matter to him what Reg goddamn thinks about him, it doesn’t. 

“What is James like?” She actually continued with the James inquiry, thank fuck.

“James? Like me but less handsome, captain of the football team, mischief maker extraordinaire, messy ass hair, and obsessed with some bird” He could definitely talk about James for an hour to waste time, but then again talking about James reminded him they had a plan. 

“That’s James in a nutshell, As you can see I’m doing great. Really the only downside to my life right now is having to come to therapy when I’m obviously perfectly fine” He was too perfectly fucking fine, unless she had some sort of drug that would stop him from having nightmares he had no bloody use for her because he was perfectly fucking fine, he didn’t care.

“Sirius, there is nothing shameful about going to therapy, it can be a great help if you’re willing to accept it” What did she go to high school under a rock? Had she ever met the kids that go to therapy, then again it was always a bit different for girls, and she probably had that eccentric in touch with your emotions thing going for her.

“Maybe in your world, but this is high school. Only Birds and Nutters go to therapy, I’m neither so I really should be going” He had to take one more attempt to end this shit then he’d go on to the plan.

“Plenty of young men like yourself go to therapy and receive great benefits from it, is there something else you’d like to talk about? We can talk about anything you’d like” She gave him the perfect opening with this, and to be fair he really did want to find out.

“Sure losers and freaks like Loopy, not football players who have nothing to even talk about” there if was now hopefully she’ll take his bait.

“Loopy?” She took it!

“Oh your star pupal! Loopy Lupin captain of the freaks!” Plan A faze one: casually bring up Lupin (perhaps not the best of the causal bit) complete 

“Sirius, it’s not nice to talk about someone like that, and we are here to talk about you” She may be here to talk about him, he was here only to find out what happened and then share it with his friends and have a good laugh.

“Hey you said I could talk about anything, I wanna talk about Loopy, what’s he like?” He had to admit when James had tried to convince him to actually show up for therapy in order to get information he was against it, but he was curious. Everyone had been talking about it, suddenly the kid is sent away for a week then he comes back and he stops talking at all and everyone knows there’s a counsellor sent here for him. It was downright interesting and definitely more amusing than talking about the bullshit problems he didn’t even have. He was fine.

“Sirius I can not discuss another student with you unless it pertains to you” She wasn’t going to make this easy.

“He’s kind of hot actually, I mean weird as shit but still kinda hot, So what happened to him? Why’d he go all batshit?” it’s not a lie, Lupin had a weird attractiveness to him if you liked bookish types with baggy sweaters, and honestly he kinda did, if it weren’t for the crazy he’d have considered it.

“As I’ve said I will not discuss another student unless it pertains to you”

“But I just said he was hot, therefore pertaining to me” Plus he really wanted information, so check two on ‘pertaining’ to him.

“Well, even if you find another student attractive I’m unable to talk about them” Ugh she wasn’t going to even give him a sliver? Come on lady, Plan B wasn’t something he really want to do.

“Shame that, I’m mighty curious. Suppose you’d just have me befriend him to find out what happened or some other lame ass way” That was Plan C, hopefully he’d never have to resort to Plan C, hell after this and Plan B he’d make James do Plan C, Plan C was cold even for him right now.

“You’d probably get along” She scoffed as she said that, very, very interesting. Now that was something maybe Loopy wasn’t as whinny as he thought.

“Really? Interesting. Well unfortunately I do have SOME standards to upkeep, being so undeniably cool and all” Not that he actually cared about his reputation, fuck anyone if they didn’t like him, he didn’t care, hell his own parents didn’t like him, he didn’t need anyone’s approval.

“I didn’t think you were the kind of person who allowed others to sway your option” She didn’t know shit about what kind of a fucking person he was, doesn’t matter if she’s right or not.

“Oh I’m not, merely not interested in stooping that low for some gossip to spread. As much as I’d love to be the one who solves this years mystery” Loopy was seriously weird and he wasn’t about to subject himself to someone’s whining, Jamesy would definitely have to, he certainly couldn’t pull off caring about someone.

“Sirius, that’s very unkind”

“Well, I’m not a ‘kind’ person” was he being mysterious of something? Hadn’t he made the zero flying fucks bitterly obvious last week?

“Why don’t we try talking about your parents again? That must have been hard on you to leave home so early” She really wanted to talk about his parents? Fucking fine, he didn’t care.

“My parents suck, not much to say there.. mom is a total bitch, Dad’s not much better, they just fucking suck. You shouldn’t be so obsessed with them, they’d hate you” There that's his bloody parents in a fucking handbag, screw his stupid goddamn fucking parents and their goddamn house. 

“Why would they hate me?” Really she could just look in any bloody newspaper article about them rather then even ask him, his parent’s views were well known, they weren’t shy in their hate speech. With her tan skin and worn out clothes that actually had personality, they’d lose their minds if he was seeing her before his disowning. 

“Cause you’re not a white aristocratic socialite, they pretty much hate anyone who’s not a white aristocratic socialite, and seeing as my friends aren’t in the same ‘class’ as them I’m the devil child” Isn’t that after all what Mommy Dearest called him from day one? Along with a whole slew of other things. 

“So they kicked you out because of your friends?” 

“No, they kicked me out because I don’t care if someone wears a skirt or trousers when I take them to bed, but that doesn’t really matter now because I live with the Potters, So it’s been a treat but I’d better be off now” He was done. This was supposed to be about collecting information on Loopy, not about his bullshit stupid ass life that he didn’t even fucking care about! Fuck this crap he wasn’t coming back, even if James wanted him to and bribed him with stupid ass plans about stupid ass Lupin, He knew James actually thought he needed fucking therapy, but fuck that.

“Have a good night Mr. Black, I’ll see you next week. Even if you have an assignment due” She said like he’d actually have a good fucking night now, and would ever damn well come back here. Fuck he wanted to kick someone’s ass now.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So where as I am not from the UK, the Marauders are and I watch/read too much British stuff so when I say Football, I mean soccer, anything I use of British slang is only known from media so I apologize if it's not 100% - Myka


	6. Remus Lupin – Session #7

“Good Evening Remus, Please take a seat” Miss Summers greeted and he was going to have to make a drinking game out of her one of these sessions, every time she greets him like that he’d take a large gulp and whenever she says ‘Recovery’, ‘healing process’, or his name, he’d take a swig. He was in an even worse mood today, thanks to the likes of Aubrey, Black and Potter, so really what he needed wasn’t therapy it was a fucking drink.

“Would you like to resume our conversation from last week” She asks it like he didn’t run out on her during their conversation, obviously the odious woman doesn’t have a clue. 

“No”

“Okay, then is there something you’d prefer to talk about?”

“No”

“I recall talking about Lily last week was upsetting you, would you like to tell me about that?” she’d just love that wouldn’t she, her and Lily could talk about everything he says when they have their bitch about Remus sessions. He spoke to Lily this week, told her to leave him alone and she’d run off to talk to Miss Summers all hurt and crying. Honestly he felt terrible about it, but he just wanted some space. Now she’s actually not spoken to him in days and he is so mad at her for leaving him, which isn’t even a little bit fair to Lily.

“No”

“Remus, just saying no does not count as having a conversation” She looks at him with one of her head tilty looks, god he wished he had some alcohol. Also how is it not? He’s talking, words well a word is coming out of his god damn mouth.

“Why not?” 

“It’s not conductive to the healthy discussion required for your..” She was about the spew the same bullshit and really without a shot, he couldn’t listen to it, he had to stop her.

“Let me guess for my ‘healing process’? Gee Miss Summers it’s almost like I just want to be left alone!” he really wasn’t sure if she actually had the brain power to pick up sarcasm, probably killed off all of her brain cells in the womb when her hippy ass mother dropped acid.

“You seem rather upset today Remus, did something happen?” Always amazing when she actually makes an observation.

“No”

“Remus..”

“Look Seriously nothing happened okay? Nothing unusual alright? People are just pissing me off today!” It’s true he’s pissed the fuck off, he’s pissed at her, pissed at Lily, Pissed at Black and Potter, Pissed at everyone and Pissed at himself.

“Who’s upsetting you?” 

“Aubrey for one, Black, Potter, I don’t know! Everyone!” He’s yelling now, but really it’s true, maybe it’s them he’s mad at today but tomorrow he’ll be just as mad at someone else.

“Lets start with Aubrey, is he or she one of the students who antagonize you?” She asks like she doesn’t know its nearly everyone in the school, although Aubrey actually usually leave him alone so apparently it’s spreading. Maybe that’s why he’s so damn grumpy today, could be Black fucking stalking him though. It doesn’t matter anyways if he’s angry or not.

“Not usually, but fuck who doesn’t right now! He thought he’d be clever and join in the pile up on Loopy, Started harassing me about what happened and why I don’t talk, Then fucking Black comes up like he’s suddenly king of the little people and starts fucking pounding on him for ‘bullying’ like he’s any better. I’m sick of this fucking useless high school shit!” He is probably loud enough to be heard outside of her office now, but who cares he’s so damn sick of it. Now that Lily isn’t talking to him its really kind of pointless to stay here where he’s the spectacle.

“So that’s why Black is bothering you? How about Potter?” 

“Yeah that’s why Black is pissing me off, that and he keeps fucking following me around like I wouldn’t notice! He’s probably trying to figure out what happened, so he can tell his fucking mates. My life is a fucking circus act to them, purely for their entertainment. They’re so damn full of themselves!” He wished he’d shut up, but he just got so angry. This week had been absolute hell, not that other weeks weren’t but at least before Lily was talking at him, and Black wasn’t following him around. If he was talking he’d probably tell Black to fuck right off, and Potter too. The two kept looking at him then whispering between them like they had some secret fucking plan, Not that it took a genius to figure out what it was.  
“As for Potter, when you have one you have the other. I’m tired of being on display, why can’t everyone just leave me alone?!”

“I can definitely discuss their bullying with the Headmaster, and see what can be done” She’s so sincere in her reply, like going to school admin ever solved anything in the past.

“No! I don’t care whether people are being nice to me or being jackasses I just want to be alone, You, Lily, Black, Potter, Aubrey, whatever, whoever, leave me alone! I should just leave school” He used to love school funnily enough, he was so proud when he got the scholarship, but now it felt like a living goddamn nightmare.

“I think you’d regret that if you did”

“Why don’t you seem to get that nothing matters anymore?” All the fight left him now, he really just wanted to give up, he shouldn’t be getting so angry, this didn’t matter anyways.

“You matter Remus, whether or not you can see that right now doesn’t change that fact” She spouted her niceties designed to calm him down, she didn’t actually think that anyways it’s her job to say that shit. 

“No, I don’t.. I’m nothing. A useless fucking nobody, unless of course you want a free fuck, then I guess I’m your man” And really if HE taught him anything it was that, he didn’t get a choice whether he was shagged or not, might as well just accept it. 

“Remus, you are worth so much more than that” She head tilts again and honest to goodness looks like she might actually cry, which would be kind of funny because he can’t even cry for himself, he cried during 'it' and that was the last time, he has just felt numb since. Numb and angry.

“No, no I’m not. Maybe I could get them to pay me next time though, how about that Miss Summers now I’ve got future plans! I could just sell myself on a street corner, if I’m gonna get fucked anyways might as well be paid for it” Now that’s a plan, who ever wants to fuck him will do it if he wants them to or not, he can’t fight them off so he might as well make some cash. That could be his new ‘future’, fuck Oxford and whatever else he had planned. At least there’s money in it.

“Remus I know it really doesn’t seem like it right now, but your future is entirely up to you” She must know that what she’s saying isn’t true, but he can’t be bothered, might as well go along with it.

“So I can choose to prostitute if I damn well want then”

“If you like, I’d like to see you go further with your education however” She caused his jaw to drop with that, she wasn’t going to even try to talk him out of it? Just ‘get an education first’?

“This is stupid, I don’t want to talk about this” he'd probably told her that several times now, but hell she obviously needed the reminders. 

“What would you like to talk about Remus?” she should know by now his answer to that.

“Nothing, but you don’t damn well get that do you? I keep telling you but you still fucking ask me what I want to bloody talk about, and if I don’t talk then its off to the cuckoos nest for Loopy!” he could even picture her signing the forms: ‘Remus ‘Loopy’ Lupin committed for not giving a crap and refusal to cry onto my shoulders’. Bet they’d all keep calling him Loopy there too, god how he hated that fucking nickname, it cropped up after they sent him to the hospital, and he got to come back to being called 'Loopy' and having her suddenly in his life. He hated her almost as much as the bloody nickname. 

He didn’t know what to say now, he was so fricking burnt out. He'd kill for a drink right now and it's not like Lily would be there telling him he's drinking too much. Once he was done with this he'd have to sneak to the shops for a bottle, for now he was just going to sit quietly and if for some strange miracle she wasn’t going to be harassing him, perhaps he could.

“Remus?” There she goes, he know she couldn’t keep quiet. 

“Yeah?”

“Care for some of Honeydukes finest?” She asked showing him a box of chocolates, and what the fuck? Really, that was it?

“Chocolate?”

“Yes Remus, you mentioned chocolate last week. I thought I’d bring some” She gestured to the box for him to take one, and he wasn’t about to argue. okay, maybe thinking he ‘hates’ her was a bit strong if she was going to be offering him chocolate, cause he really did love chocolate. But this doesn't mean he likes her any more then without chocolate.

“I’m all for the healing powers of chocolate Miss Summers, but I don’t think even chocolate can fix this” He still ate the chocolate though, probably her form of a peace offering, it wasn’t going to work but that didn’t effect the taste.

“No, but it’s not going to make it worse is it?”

“I suppose not” how was he supposed to argue with that? You can’t when your talking through a mouthful of it.

“Remus, I’m proud of the progress you made today” She acted as if they made some kind of a break through, they didn’t.

“What progress? I yelled at you for an hour, then you gave me chocolate” He was on his way to the door with that actually realizing his time was up, thank god.

“Exactly, a whole hour”

“Bye Miss Summers”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> apparently I'm going to be just cranking this story out right now, three chapters in 24 hour is normal right?! What can I say I'm weirdly inspired to write at the moment - Myka


	7. Sirius Black – Session #3

“Good Evening Mr. Black, Please take a seat” Miss. Summers announced to him like he even had a choice, and well he did to some small part, so he leaned against the wall instead. He didn’t want to be here, he wasn’t going to cooperate with her if she was forcing him to be. He had been skipping coming in favor of climbing trees and kicking around a football with James and Pete, but she sent the fucking caretaker Filch to fetch him like a dog. Apparently she had no regard for how miserable he could probably make her life at Hogwarts should he please to, if he didn't need to gain her trust for the Loopy Plan he'd have already been.

“I’ve heard you’ve been in another two fights this week, shall we dive in with those?” She asked him completely expecting exactly what he was clearly going to say, which he knew because as soon as he opened his mouth she cut him off.  
“And don’t say they were ‘dicks’ please”

“But Ma’am they were? Look I don’t know what you want me to say, when someone is a dick I call them a dick, I can’t help it if they needed an ass kicking” It was plain logical as anyone could see.

“Violence is never the answer Sirius” this was laughable, she said it like he knew anything else. Conflict resolution at the Black household was almost always solved with a fist, at least he only fought with those who could fight back.

“Unless they deserved it” which they did, but he didn’t have to say that. He didn’t need to justify himself to this lady who’s probably had a super cushy lovely life with a lovely family who all loved each other.

“Why don’t you tell me about the fights?” She sounded quite exasperated as she tried her not so smooth redirection, it undoubtedly stroked his ego a bit to know he was having an effect on her.

“Which one?” he had to actually ask because he couldn’t really remember getting caught more then once.

“Let’s start with you fight with a Mr. Snape in the courtyard” Of course she started with the one he knew she would know about.

“Ha, you call that a fight? Snivellus is a bastard, we get into ‘fights’ weekly. Have since first. Just don’t like him he’s a git. Besides he called my mate Pete a fat slob. What was I just supposed to let that go?” He really couldn’t be blamed for that, it’s what him and Snivellus did after all and why he got in trouble for it when Snape was the one who started it in the first fucking place was the real question.

“Why have you been fighting since first year?”

“Cause he’s a dick?”

“I take it you don’t want to talk about this?” She leaned in tilting her head like she thought this was some revelation. He honest to goodness couldn’t have cared less about talking about it. 

“Just nothing to say”

“Then why don’t we move of to the other fight you had this week?” And try as he likes, he couldn’t answer her question. He really could only remember getting caught for bloodying Snape's nose (not that it was a hard target). 

“I’m afraid you’re going to have to be more specific” He knew this was probably a dead give away that he’d been in more then two fights, but hell at least if she found that out she would spend almost the whole hour on stupid fights and not his family. 

“With a Mr. Aubrey?”

“Oh, that.” how the hell did she know about that? Oh Loopy probably cried to her about it, probably told her how he was his knight in shining armor, saving him from the big bad bully. Which definitely did absolutely not make him have even a little bit of a tini tiny strange feeling of giddiness, surely not. Also that reminds him that he was supposed to be working on the Loopy Plan A.

“What caused this fight?”

“Seems like you probably already know to me, I’m sure Loopy cried to you about it” He couldn’t help but wondering if she was stupid enough to think he wouldn’t know where she’d heard about it based on the confused look on her face. Hilarious, maybe Plan A wasn’t as much of a goner as he thought if she was going to accidentally tell him bits of the things Loopy says. 

“I know very little, and would like to hear things from you perspective” She was most likely lying, he imagined she had every last detail wailed at her by the boy as he sat there sniffling away. 

“What do you want me to say? He was piling on the kid, it was pretty annoying even for me, so I stopped him” It did annoy him, though not in the way he was spinning it to her, It annoyed him that Lupin just took it, it annoyed him that Lupin wouldn’t even try to fight back, he just listened the same way he did whenever anyone said shit to him, it pissed him off. No matter what all the douchebags who respected his family called him he always stood his ground, he always fought back and then there was Lupin just letting everyone say whatever they pleased, doing whatever they wanted to him. It made him so goddamn angry.. and he couldn’t punch Lupin so he punched Aubrey. 

“Why did it annoy you, it doesn’t sound like it had anything to do with you?”

“I don’t know.. Loopy was just standing there taking it, not saying a single word like he does, he didn’t even walk away just stood there. It bugged me” He didn’t mean to tell her this, it’s just his brain to mouth filter was never the best.

“Why did it bug you?”

“I don’t know! It just did, okay? I don’t like it when people attack those who can’t or won't fight back, it made me angry. Obviously I’m not a big fan of the Loony Loopy, but well he’s small” Verbal diarrhea pouring from his mouth before he could stop it. In his defense, it pissed him off anytime someone went after someone smaller than them, It hit a bit too close to home, and when he was pissed he lost control of his mouth. He wasn’t supposed to be the one talking Plan A wasn’t going to work at all.

“You defended him because he’s small?” She actually didn’t sound judgmental, there was something else in her voice, something kind of like she was slightly proud of him.

“Yeah well, Aubrey’s a big guy, didn’t seem like a fair fight. Can we talk about something else?” Really with Plan A lost he had to get off the topic of Lupin, it was making him feel all weird, Fuck Lupin, he didn't give a shit about Lupin or anyone else. They’d just have to go with Plan B after all, screw the morals involved in Plan B, he doesn't care.

“Of course, whatever you’re comfortable with” She keeps asking for it, she should know better by now.

So I'll be leaving, that’d make me very comfortable” It was a given, he didn't need to be here is the first fucking place, it was a waste of fucking daylight.

“Why don’t we continue our conversation about your parents” She finally said the words he’d dreaded hearing since being dragged into her office. Not that he cared, because he really didn't.

“How about we don’t? Cause fuck them” really, seriously, 100%, fuck them.

“You are not forced to talk about anything you don’t want to, however I can’t help but notice the topic seems to upset you” She says like that's supposed to make him talk about it, how does she not see that that's a perfect reason to never talk about it?

“It doesn’t upset me, It’s just in the past. I don’t look back okay? I’m very much a today kind of person. In fact I’m a ‘now’ type person, and right now I must be going” to be fair if you counted the time he was outside with James and Pete then it was well past time for him to leave, and he counted it.

“Alright Sirius, I will see you next week. Have a goodnight” She surprisingly didn’t argue as he left.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I just wanted to add a huge thank you for the kudos and reviews, they mean a ton to me! I never had the confidence to actually write and post anything before lockdown and you guys make continuing to worth it(it being my mini freak out I have every time)- Myka


	8. Remus Lupin - Session #8

“Good evening Remus, Please take a seat” Miss summers greeted in her usual way, which had always prompted him to instantly be annoyed with her from the second he stepped foot into her office. This week however he had been motivated by his thoughts during their last session and had taken a couple of shots before coming here. He hadn’t had much, just enough to take the edge off and was hardly even tipsy. 

“Good evening Miss Summers” He greeted her for probably the first time.

“How was your week this week?” She smiled at him like he’d reached some new accomplishment as she replied. It wasn’t an accomplishment and he was not any more happy to be here then he had been last week, he just felt like changing something even just this tiny little thing.

“Same as last, and the week before that and so on” 

“So not good?” She magically drew a conclusion and just when he was thinking it was beyond her, actually scratch that he’d thought it was for awhile.

“Yup”

“Did something upset you this week?” She’s staring at him like somethings amiss and oh god hopefully she doesn’t smell the alcohol on his breath. 

“Same as always Miss Summers, nothing new” He shifted his body hopefully subtly away from her and really really hoped he didn’t sound to deflective. Not that the trouble he’d get in was any kind of concern, but it’d be just another bullshit excuse to lock him up. 

“We talked last week about the issues you were having with your peers, would you like to continue this topic?” She thankfully seemed to return to her normal kinked neck self.

“Not really, but it doesn’t matter anyways. If you want to talk about them then we can talk about them, I think it’s been pretty well established that I don’t get a choice” He was done, he had submitted, he’d flow past anger and gone straight to acceptance, he honestly had no fight left in him, it was truly pathetic how long it'd taken him to truly give up.

“Remus, you always have a choice on the topic we discuss”

“Sure, but I don’t get to choose if I talk or not. So I really don’t care what we talk about” It was ridiculous for her to even bring up choices. He didn’t get any, it was actually pretty funny how one event could take away so many of his choices. What university he went to, gone. Whether or not he had to go to therapy, gone. If he got to talk or not, gone. Whether or not he got to live his life outside of a hospital, gone. Why would picking a topic be left for him? She might as well just take that away too. 

“Have the boys you spoke about last week continued to bother you?” She took the reigns like he knew she would, probably couldn’t wait for the opportunity to take it.

“No, not really except Black. It’s a fun little a party game, last week it was them, this week its others, and I for one can’t wait to see who’s names get pulled next week!” He still had sarcasm at least, if he could muster the energy.

“Black has continued to bother you?” Her face looks confused as she asks him which he’d probably have found weird if he bothered enough to care.

“Not actually bother, he just stares all fucking day long like he could figure out my whole life story if he just stares hard enough, it’s fucking annoying, but it’s not worth talking about, no fun juicy story this time” Sorry to disappoint Miss Summers, but all Black did was stare. Obsessively staring but hey at least he’d stopped following him around since the incident with Frank this week, probably thinks he'll freak out on him too. 

“Would you like to talk about the others you mentioned?”

“Same question, same answer, no I wouldn’t, but hey my choices are very limited, so Rosier, Snape, and Wilkes all got their turn this week, It was a grand old time!” he wouldn’t even have listed names really because they were just the ones he remembered right now, it’d been more then three people but she obviously wanted names for the bullshit characters in her story and they were at least the most notable this week.

“Remus, you are not being forced to discuss this topic” She says like she’s worried he’ll snap if they continue, and anyways he might as well be.

“No but I am being forced to talk, and seeing as you hold the ropes to my straight jacket, lets cut out the bullshit and I’ll just answer whatever you ask.. The issues I’m having with my peers, is that it this week? Well you know about my new Loopy nickname so there’s that ever present factor, hmm lets see oh they are loving this week because Longbottom grabbed my arm and I freaked out. What else, what else? There’s just so many things to pick from” He faked hummed and hawed. He was just so done and really after what happened with Frank he’d just given up completely, he had thought he’d reached as low as he was going to fall before but life had a way of proving him wrong.

“Remus, Lets just take this one step at a time”

“Whatever”

“Let’s start with Longbottom shall we? Is that one of the students who bullies you?” She has her concerned voice quite perfected as she asks, like if she can solve the problem of one kid she’d somehow make his life marginally fucking better.

“No, Frank is actually a decent human being unlike 90% of the school” It’s true, out of everyone in the school excluding Lils, Frank had probably been one of the most decent, not trying to force him to talk or calling him Loopy, Frank left him alone.

“He grabbed your arm?” She asks and he realizes she’s was worried that Frank had attacked him somehow, not that if he did it would have even mattered, but Frank was okay and didn't deserve to be in trouble for trying to help him.

“I was reading and I tripped, Frank grabbed my arm to stop me from falling down the stairs, It was all well and gentlemanly, except for me reacting like a moron” He reacted like a fucking freak show, He had screamed and kicked and push Frank until he let him go, then he ran away to have a massive fucking panic attack. Now everyone had further proof that he was a complete and total lunatic. 

“Aversion to touch is a perfectly normal reaction to what you’ve been through” She interrupted his reliving to inform him, he knew it was a common reaction, he didn’t need a fucking reminder of everything. He'd read the bloody pamphlets they gave him at the hospital. 

“That’s all well and great, but they don’t fucking know that. I fucking pushed Frank and ran away like a lunatic because he saved my ass, doesn’t exactly look fucking normal!” his voice maybe getting a bit agitated, In fact he was getting a bit fucking agitated.  
“You know what, apparently I lied, I can’t fucking talk about this just please change the topic”

“Not a problem Remus, Would you like to talk about Lily?” She’s definitely got a thing for Lily, not that he blames her, if he weren’t gay he’d probably have a thing for Lily too, Sweet, kind, beautiful Lily.

“Sure”

“Have you spoken to her?” She’d asked him almost every week, she probably can’t even remember that he’s a shirt lifter. Hell at least this week he had a different answer for her.

“Sort of, I thanked her” it was his big revelation this week, he uttered two whole words that weren’t angry. Lily had come to him so quietly and sad, so unlike her. She had told him she was by no means ignoring him or giving up on him, just trying to give him the space he needed, how if he needed her she would always be there. He’d be lying if he said he hadn’t cared, it was the highlight of his bullshit week.

“That’s wonderful to hear Remus, would you like to tell me about that?” Even if it was an upside, he didn’t feel like talking about it, he couldn’t, it felt too hard to focus on something positive right now, how fucked up was that? He couldn’t even let him mind wander to a happy spot for couple of minutes, so he deflected again.

“Do you have any more chocolate?”

“I do”

“Thanks, next time lead with the chocolate” He grabbed a piece from the box she offered because like she had said it won’t make it worse. She might as well start out the crappy session with something he actually still liked. 

His time was finally up thank fuck, this week felt so fucking shitty, he just wanted to go lay down or hell maybe down a bottle and pass out, that was at least something he could choose to do, if nothing else.

“I’ll see you next week Remus, have a goodnight” She means it too it’s obvious. She thinks he could honestly have a good night, shows how naïve she really is.

“Goodbye Miss Summers”


	9. Sirius Black – Session #4

“Good Evening Sirius, please take a seat” Words that started his weekly torture routine. Thinking about that, counselling probably was a revenge plot thought out by the professors after His, James and Peter’s Halloween prank went a bit overboard. Then again why was he the only one on the chopping block in that case? Regardless, He did actually want to be here this week.

“How has your week been going?” She asks most likely fishing to hear if he’d got in any more fight. He had but that was besides the point. 

“Not half bad Miss, boring if anything” It wasn’t actually true, he had been so bored lately nothing thrilled him lately, just all bullshit and been done before. Had it not been for Tuesdays event it would have been a terribly boring week, but he was hyper focused on what happened. The schools big event this week, really wasn’t funny, even James hadn’t thought it was funny and James found everything funny. He actually couldn’t get his mind off of the event and nothing seemed to distract him form it for long. 

“Why was it so boring?”

“I don’t know, there isn’t much James, Peter and me haven’t done by now” If there was ever a more true statement then that he would be shocked. Anyhow he had something he needed to talk about, like actually talk about to a counsellor. The thought made him fucking shutter, he must be getting soft or something.  
“I’m not honestly that interested in talking about the merits of my ever lasting boredom”

“Is there anything you’d prefer to discuss this week?” She finally asked the question he’d been waiting for.

“Yeah, actually there is” as much as coming here was complete torture he hadn’t actually been dreading it this week, as much as he hated it he had to talk about what happened and even James great as he was wouldn’t get this. This needed to be talked about with someone who didn't know him, and wouldn't spread it around. He's ego was going to need some serious fucking stroking afterwards if he actually went through with talking about this. 

“What’s on your mind?”

“It’s your best friend, Lupin” The voice that came out of his mouth wasn’t his usual ‘taking the piss’ tone, and he hated that, it was supposed to come out apathetically. Where the fucking hell was Sirius Black this week?.

“You know Sirius that I can not talk about another student” she informed him for the 80th goddamn time.

“This ‘pertains to me’ though, and I’m not looking for info” Well he was, but not his usual I want to know so I can have a good chuckle at his expense, no this wasn’t part of some grand plan. Plan A was an obvious failure and he was suppose to be moving on to Plan B, but he wasn’t sure if he could do that now, wasn’t he supposed to not fucking care? Fuck this was doing his head in. Plan B was cruel though, why did that suddenly matter? Plan B involved stealing Lupin's counselling file, and doing unseemly things with it. He was supposed to come here today to find out where she kept the files, but after Tuesday..

“Carry on then”

“There was this thing this week, I’m sure you’ve heard all about it.. Lupin fucking flipped, I know he was beaten up or something by Sparks at the beginning of the year, but well, um, how do I put this? It freaked me out” that didn’t even close to come out the way he wanted, fuck he was supposed to sound like it barely mattered and by all rights it fucking shouldn’t. Screw Lupin, why the hell was this bugging him? Lupin fucking flipped his lid because he was beat up that was all, he needed to stop fucking thinking about it!

“Why did it upset you?” She looks so curious like he holds the answer to life greatest mystery.

“He was so scared, like he was fighting for his life.. everyone thought it was hilarious” There it was, not that Lupin had been scared really, not that people found it funny even, but why the fuck didn’t he? Sure James hadn’t, but James wasn’t sat around like a douche bag obsessing over it. Literally nothing had managed to make him feel anything since he’d been banished from home, so why did Lupin’s stupid ass scared little face.

“But you didn’t?” She asks the question he knows the answer to but not the why.

“No, it wasn’t funny at all. I don’t think I’ve ever seen someone look that scared.. Frank just touched him and he flipped. Lupin’s never fought back before, just always sat there and took it” God that bloody fucking face, damn if the fear in Lupin’s eyes didn’t make him feel ten years old hiding under his bed and waiting for Mother to realize what he’d done. Why was Lupin making him feel this way? As much as he wanted to just fucking let this go his mouth just kept letting the words come.

“Don’t get me wrong, it was kinda nice to see him fight back, but not for that.. for just being touched.. like a simple touch would cause him extreme pain” He knew all about being scared of someone’s touch, hell anyone’s touch. Until he came to school he hardly knew that touches could come without the pain that followed, not that he cared of course, he was damn well over that, but Lupin.. How could one ass kicking make him look like that? Something just didn’t seem right. Fuck, why does he care?

“And the way he screamed, I could’ve sworn he thought Frank was about to kill him.. he had this look, I don’t even really know how to describe it.. His eyes looked wild, like a trapped animal”

“and this effected you?” She looked like that’s not what she wanted to say, but professionalism was forcing her to. It was incredibly fucking unnerving, he’d just spilled his guts to her and she looked like she was keeping some kind of fucking secret from him, as much as it pissed him off he had to know why this was effecting him so damn much. 

“Well yeah.. it looked well..” He lost his words, he couldn’t say that it looked exactly how he felt the moment before his Dad’s fist came down on his face. He didn’t know what to say, he’d just lost all his bullshit words, anything he said would be too damn obvious. This was all wrong, he wasn’t supposed to feel fucking anything. Honestly what the fuck was wrong with his head, sitting here talking to a counsellor like a little bitch. Jesus fucking Christ now that he'd said it out loud. This wasn't him, for fucks sake he doesn't talk to counsellors, he's fucking Sirius Black. 

“Familiar?” She stopped any thoughts he had with that.

“What the hell do you mean by that?” What the even fuck did she pull that out of, wasn’t he talking about fucking Lupin. Why the fuck would she say that?! He wasn’t some fucking broken pansy.

“Sirius, why did you leave home?”

“Why the hell would I fucking tell you shit all? fuck right off, you don’t know shit about me!” Bitch! Fucking Bitch! Where did she think she got off asking that, like hell he didn’t know why she asked, she thinks she fucking knows him now just because he told her one goddamn thing! She could rot in fucking hell.

“Sirius, you need to calm down” Her voice sounds somewhere between worried and frightened, and he really hadn’t realized he’d stood up and lend over the desk to yell at her. He would never have hurt her, she didn’t have to be scared, he doesn’t hurt anyone weaker then him, He could never.

“Fuck you! This it fucking bullshit!” He screamed one last time before walking away.

The slam of her office door reverberated through the air as he stormed out. Whoever the hell was in that fucking office wasn't him. He needed to punch something, or hell someone.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So this one is a bit shorter, but idk it felt right. Let me know what you think :) - Myka


	10. Remus Lupin - Session #9

“Come in” Miss Summers voice and a knocking sound startled him out of his book. Sirius Freaking Black had come and knocked on her door, right before his session. What the fuck could he go nowhere without Black being there?

“Miss Summers?” Blacks voice in it’s usual cocky tone, he couldn’t help but watch, why was Black here? Black doesn’t care about shit except getting pissed and having fun, no way he goes to counselling.

“Sirius? What are you doing here, our session is tomorrow” Holy shit Miss Summers has sessions with Black? Oh now he kind of feels sorry for her. Imagine the bullshit Black probably thinks counts as a problem.

“I wanted to apologize for my behavior ma’am” Black didn’t sound insincere, but no way could he actually be apologizing, Black must have another motive, Black always had another motive.

“There is no need to apologize Sirius, you were expressing yourself” 

“I scared you” Blacks voice actually sounded remorseful, fat chance though, Black got off on scaring people and how the fuck did he scare Miss Summers, now that might actually be funny. Not that he didn’t particularly find the pranks Black, Potter, and Pettigrew pulled funny, some of them definitely were. Had they not been repulsive he might quite enjoy the pranks.

“Yes Sirius, but not for the reason you think” Miss Summers words threw him for a loop, what the hell did Black do to his counsellor? Also they should really shut the door.

“huh?”

“It frightens me that you keep all that anger inside, I was never worried you’d harm me” Miss Summers must have seriously misread Black if she thinks he keeps anger in, Black fucking spews whatever emotion he has on whoever is near by. Did Black threaten her? That’s not on, even for Black.

“Still, Sorry.. Anyways I better be off” Black did sound strangely remorseful. What the even hell? 

“Sirius if you need to talk my door is always open”

“I’m good, See ya!” Blacks normal cocky tone returning as he said that, thank god, he was starting to think Black might actually have emotions. Oh shit, he’s heading over here.

“Hey Loops, Fancy seeing you here! Come here often?” Black winked at him, like actually winked at him. Had he not been refusing to talk, he’d probably tell Black to fuck right off. The idiot had still been watching him constantly since what happened with Frank, it was infuriating. 

“Yeah, that’s what I thought you’d say, still can’t blame a guy for trying” Blacks tone surprisingly wasn’t mocking it was almost flirtatious, not that it was a surprise Black would flirt with a rock and too be fair the rock would probably be turned on. Black was hot and if the idea of even being flirted with right now didn’t make him want to throw up he’d have probably been a bit flattered, but as it stands he felt incredibly nauseated. 

“Good Evening Remus, please come in.. Would you care for some chocolate?” Miss Summers voice greeted as he walked away from Black and into her office, and damn well shutting the door. Wait did she actually change her greeting? Good on her she must have rewritten some of her programming. 

“Yeah”

“Why was Tom Sawyer here?” He had to ask, Black really couldn’t honestly be getting therapy right? 

“I can’t discuss other students Remus” She told him, which is kind of funny because she spent so much time getting him to talk about other fucking students.

“Whatever, I don’t really give a shit anyways” He didn’t, it was interesting sure but it really didn’t matter.

“Is there anything you wish to discuss this week?”

“Seriously? I mean do you honestly think the answer is ever going to change?” he thought she had upgraded her programming but apparently not still the same damn questions and he was going to give the same damn answers.

“It can’t hurt to try”

“You know what they say about insanity right? Expecting different results and all that, and you want me locked up” Really she should be the one committed.

“I don’t want you ‘locked up’ Remus” She lies, it’s bullshit if she doesn’t want him locked away then why fucking threaten it.

“Then what do you want? Cause it sure seems that way”

“I want you to receive the care that best suits your recovery” She lies again, god this whole counselling thing is such a crock of shit.

“And yet you won’t let me ‘recover’ in my own damn way” He wanted to fucking ‘recover’ quietly and left the fuck alone but nooooo.

“Remus, coping and recovery are two different things”

“Just pick a topic alright? I don’t care.” 

“Shall we talk about the alcohol I smelt on your breath last week?” She asks and he can feel his heart skip a beat. Fuck now he’s gone, and he thought she smelt it last week too, why the fuck not mention it then and have him locked away right then and there. Ugh whatever, doesn’t matter, nothing matters.

“Why not? it really doesn’t matter”

“I’m worried Remus, coping with alcohol is very dangerous” She spouts her shit, and really he shouldn’t say what he wants to but it’s too fucking late now to care. She’ll lock him up for drinking if she wants to anyhow.

“you’d prefer I cope with something else? I heard you can get some good cocaine from a few on the stoner kids”

“Substances don’t make things better, they just mask the pain and can even make it worse” She doesn’t seem to get that, that’s the whole fucking point. Masking the pain. What the fuck else is there at this point really?

“It was just a couple of shots Miss Summers, it’s not like I came here shitfaced” He was barely even goddamn tipsy so fuck off.

“Have you been drinking a lot Remus?” Really? She has to ask? What a stupid fucking loaded question. Fuck he is so done with this.

“What do you actually want from me? I’m here every week, I talk, I play your stupid game. What does it matter if I have a few drinks sometimes? Every one does and don’t give me that underage shit I’m barely underage. None of this matters, if I want to get pissed I’ll get pissed and hell if I forget for 5 minutes or black out so I don’t remember the nightmares then thank god for that, cause coming here and talking doesn’t do shit for it” Drinking is a fucking relief, why the hell can’t she get that, fuck whether it healthy or not. At least he could sleep. She just wants to take the little he has left.

“Alcohol is not the answer Remus, It won’t cure your wounds, it just delays them from healing” Something about her reply made him so damn angry. Tell him what to fucking do then! Stop spouting shit and fucking tell him how to fucking fix this!

“Then what is Miss Summers? Cause I can’t stop fucking thinking about it, lord knows I try. Sleeping doesn’t help, I just dream the whole damn thing over and over again! Fucking talking doesn’t help, Staying quiet doesn’t fucking help. I hear his damn voice all the time, I can smell him, feel him, see him, even fucking taste him all the damn time! Do you know what that’s like?! You don’t do you? You think I should just be over it, talk and move the fuck on. Well guess what? I can’t! I fucking want to, I’m damn well trying! So yeah I drink, fuck if downing a bottle of vodka is going to help me forget for half a damn minute then fucking sign me up” Why can’t she just fucking understand that? It hurts! Everything fucking hurts! He feels fucking dirty and disgusting! Stop making him fucking talk and just let him drown. Let him forget for 5 fucking minutes.

“Trauma like this takes time Remus, no one expects you to be okay right now. However I am worried, coping with alcohol is dangerous for all the reasons you’ve just listed, the draw to forget is a powerful thing. I wish I could tell you that there is an answer, but there isn’t, you aren’t going to forget this, it’ll never truly go away. It will however get easier to cope with in time” She is sincere, it’s written on her face. If he’s not going to be able to ever forget this then what is the point? Why is he here? What’s the point of ever getting out of bed if this is his life forever? 

“What’s the point in coming here and talking if it’s not going to fix me?” He’s damaged and broken, why can’t everyone let him waste away in peace?

“For support, understanding, and care Remus, so you can learn that you are not a broken item that needs to be fixed, that you have worth and value as a person, that you are not defined your trauma” She says it, but he doesn’t feel it, he needs to be put back together and taped up, he is just a worthless broken item, that's all he is.

“And talking will magically do that?” He’s deflated and defeated as he replies, he doesn’t believe her words, he doesn’t believe this is helping him.

“No, but it can help you along the way”

“Can I leave now Miss Summers? I’m tired” and he is just so fucking tired, this was the worse. Please let him leave early please.

“Of course Remus, have a goodnight” Thank god.

“Goodnight Miss Summers” his voice is barely a whisper as he walks away


	11. Sirius Black – Session #5

“Good Evening Sirius, Please take a seat” Miss Summers really needs to work on her greetings. He could teach her a thing or two about how to greet a gentleman caller. Which after last weeks fiasco could be quite a fun way to pass this weeks horror show. Plans however were back on, and he must commit fully to them. Last week he acted like some caring wanker. That wasn’t fucking him, he had probably been possessed by the crying ghost that’s rumored to haunt one of the girls bathrooms. Only reason he could see for being an emotional twat.

“A lovely evening indeed Ma’am, how are you this fine afternoon?” God he was giddy, plans had been put in place, he’d done his diligence yesterday and today was action day! No more feeling bad about it like some sentimental fucking moron, Sirius fucking Black doesn’t care about shit like that. He had watched her pull out the file tiled ‘Lupin, R’ yesterday on his reconnaissance mission and now he just had to kill time and wait for James. James was going to cause a massive distraction in 5 minutes, the clock was ticking.

“Very well Sirius, and yourself? You seem rather happy today” She seemed rather suspicious but after his crazy fucking melt down last week he supposes his change in demeanor does seem a bit odd. He couldn’t help himself though, he’d fought through his stupid ass moral dilemma. A right shame it had come to that, a letter from his Mother had come to metaphorically beat that right out of him. It was a bullshit letter he didn’t even care about explaining in detail what a fucking failure as a human being he was, but hell it didn’t matter it just reminded him of how he didn’t give a shit about things like Loopy’s bullshit freak out. He didn’t care about stupid shit like other people’s poor little feeling, thanks for the reminder Mother. 

“I am Ma’am, it has been a lovely day, sun shining and all that” He gave her one of his famed million watt smiles as he spoke. God was it wrong to feel this excited to do something this awful to someone, but he didn’t care. Anyways after Loopy looked like he was going to puke when he tried to flirt with him yesterday Loopy deserved it. No morals, he doesn’t feel bad about this. He shouldn’t feel bad about this.

“Is there something you’d like to discuss this week?” Miss Summers returned his smile, but her suspicious look remained.

“Well Ma’am, you see there is this boy” He lied, sort of, he had still been obsessing over a boy, but not in the way he was going to spin it, well maybe a little. Anyways Plan B was a foot and he certainly didn’t feel like he was about to do something so wrong that it made his insides hurt, so he was really fucking happy right? Stupid little scared face.

“Do you like this boy?” Miss Summers prompted him.

“Yes Ma’am he’s tiny and adorable, very timid with soft dirty blond hair. Really rather a swot, the complete opposite of me, but something about him is so magnetic” He was actually surprised by the way that came out of his mouth, it was supposed to be a joke but it felt so natural and real to say. Regardless, James should be causing his distraction any minute so it didn’t matter what he said. 

“Have you told him about how you feel?” She had a soft knowing look on her face as she asked, if she only knew the devious thing he was planning.

“No Miss, we’ve barely ever talked, which is a shame cause he does draw my attention more often then I’d like to admit” Not even a lie, god he was good when he was up to something. Plus it’s not like he was going to hurt the kid, the share it around and post pictures up on walls around the school part of the plan left with that stupid hurt scared little face. Nope, he had to stop thinking like that, it wasn’t conductive to being an asshole, and he just wanted to not feel anything and be an asshole right now.

A large crashing noise interrupted his musings however.

“One minute Sirius, I’m just going to see what that was” 

“Take all the time you need Miss, I’m good” In fact he really needed her to take her sweet time. James would make sure he had all the time he needed to pull of their plan.

He was behind her desk at the drawer he’d seen her open yesterday within seconds of the door closing behind her. He got out his lock pick and was about to pick the lock when his stupid hand started shaking and all of his excitement suddenly died. Why the fuck did he feel so wrong for doing this, it was just for him, James and Pete, no one else would know. It wasn’t all that terrible was it? If they didn’t spread it around. That stupid face kept invading all of his senses, ruining his will to be a complete prat. No fuck that, Sirius Black doesn’t have feelings. Hand stabilized he went to work on the lock.

Victory! He got the lock open, now just get the damn file and stop feeling so fucking awful about it. Why did he want to puke for doing this? Fuck, Shit, Fucking hell, calm the fuck down Black. ‘L’ he needed to find ‘L’. ‘Lockhart’ no, ‘Lovegood’ no, ‘Lupin’ yes!

Now he had to read it, take pictures and lock it back up before she got back, easy right? If only his stomach would stop trying to revolt against his plan. It’s now or never, he had come this far.. might as well finish the job.

He opened the file like it was a fucking bomb, his hand wouldn’t stop shaking.

‘REMUS J. LUPIN’ greeted him in bold capital letters as he read. There was his personal information on the first page, date of birth, parents name, address, academics and the likes. His hands still shook as he flipped the page. It was all rather mundane until he read the words under a page labelled ‘Confidential School Counsellor Referral From’ in a subsection labelled ‘ A.1 Clarify Referral Problem/History’

‘Remus J. Lupin found unconscious on school property (see subsection A.2 for details) later found to have been physically and Sexually assaulted by Student A. Sparks (see subsection A.3 for details) by medical staff at St. Mungos Hospital and R.J Lupin’s written report (see subsection A.2 for details). R.J Lupin has refused to speak to medical staff since the rape and has displayed a dramatic change in behavior towards family...’

He slammed the file shut and quickly locked it back up. He couldn’t read anymore, god what had he done? Pictures! He was going to take pictures! What kind of a sick fuck was he trying to be?! Who the fuck takes pictures of someone's counselling file to share with their mates. Why did he do that? For some cheap fucking thrills? What kind of a fucking monster was he trying to be? Oh god Remus. He was so sorry, the things he’d thought about him, calling him Loopy all the time, talking about how he was just being whinny. Fuck. Poor kid. 

“I’m sorry about that Sirius..” Miss Summers voice interrupted his shame. 

“Sirius why are you behind my desk?” She asked but he couldn’t reply. What the hell was he supposed to say? ‘Geez Ma’am cause I’m a sick fucker who tried to hide the pain I feel from myself by reveling in another persons and now I feel mighty terrible about it!’. 

“uhh” that was all that came out of his mouth

“Sirius?”

“I uh dropped a pencil” That was about as convincing as just sitting here quietly would have been.

“Please return to your seat Sirius, I don’t know what you and your friend are up to but I’d appreciate it if you could refrain from what ever it is” She didn’t know it was too late. He’d already done the deed and he hated himself for it.

“Miss, I have to go” He rapidly fired the words out at her. He can’t do this, he couldn’t talk for an hour after that. What would he even talk about? Remus’ scared face from being touched? oh god, oh god, he can’t talk about that, he didn’t even want to think about that.

“Sirius we haven’t had our session yet”

“I know, look I’ll reschedule with you, hell I’ll come twice next week.. Just I have to go, please” He wasn’t going to stay whether she tried to make him or not, this wasn’t happening, this couldn’t happen not anymore.

“Did something happen Sirius?”

“No, Just Please, I can’t be here today”

“Alright Sirius I will send you a memo with your rescheduled session..” Her words were cut off as he ran out the door, he just couldn’t stay there right now.


	12. Remus Lupin - Session #10

“Good Evening Remus, Please take a seat” Apparently last weeks mix up in Miss Summers’ greeting was just a glitch. It’s so tedious to hear the same damn thing every damn time.

“Evening Miss Summers” He greeted her back, not because wanted to be here any more, but now that he knew she was having to deal with Black on a weekly basis he did feel a bit more sympathy towards her. He was quickly learning that dealing with Black is a massive fucking pain in the ass.

“I brought more chocolate, please feel free to take as many as you’d like. How was your week this week?” At least she did still seem to register his comment about opening with the chocolate. Why that and not the one about stopping asking bullshit questions that had the same fucking answer?

“Shit as per usual”

“Is there anything you’d like to talk about?” 

“Not really, but I have to anyways so whatever” Hadn’t he submitted to it last week or was it the week before that? He had no fucking clue but whatever, just pick a damn topic so she’ll leave well enough alone. 

“My new stalker is really pissing me off” It had actually made him furious, might as well talk about it. Everywhere he went there was Black, every class, every meal, every fucking hour of the god damn day.

“Your stalker?” She asks like he hadn’t brought it up before, she must have some serious fucking amnesia.

“Yeah, fucking Black” Stupid Fucking Black, and his stupid fucking handsome face every damn where he looked. 

“I take it you mean Sirius Black? Why is he ‘stalking’ you?” Like hell if he knew what went on in the sadistic mind of Sirius Black, probably not much, except ways to make other people’s lives miserable.

“That’s the one, and fucking hell if I know”

“Well, what is it he’s doing?” She asks and it’s probably the dumbest question he’s ever heard, didn’t he literally just say what Black was doing?

“He follows me, sort of fucking defined in the term stalker isn’t it? He follows me everywhere! He stopped fucking following me after the thing with Frank and now he’s fucking following me again, but way more fucking obviously” He was going to fucking snap just thinking about it. Fucking Black sitting beside him everywhere he went. Did he ask for a puppy for Christmas or something? Cause he can’t remember asking for fuck all but to be left alone.

“Is he bullying you?”

“No! For fucks sake, everything is bullying with you. And anyways, it’s far more annoying. He’s, well.. He’s standing up for me? I don’t know if that’s the right term but its fucking weird and I hate it” God with the bullying again, you can’t bully someone who doesn’t fucking matter enough to care. Then there’s Black actually fucking growling at anyone who said fuck all to him, acting like he was saving him from fucking bullies, driving him fucking crazy. That had to be Black’s plan, make him go so crazy that he finally flipped and started just screaming constantly. That or he really had asked for a dog, cause who the fuck growls at someone?!

“It upsets you that he’s trying to stick up for you?” She looks like she thinks he’s crazy for that, obviously she thinks he’s crazy, hell maybe he is. It’s still annoying though.

“What part of I want to be left alone have I not made clear? Yes it fucking upsets me, I don’t need a fucking body guard! He’s been fucking attacking anyone that says anything to me!” Everything about it irks him. Sure Black isn’t talking to him much, but that’s not leaving him alone. Sure other people have started to back the fuck off since Black started pulling this routine, but that’s not the point! Fucking Black probably has some grand scheme that’s going to fucking crush him. He couldn’t take it, as soon as Black pulls whatever he’s planning, it’ll be the final straw, he’ll just give up. It’s too much.

“It sounds like he’s trying to be your friend” Ha! Has she met Black?

“Why? Black is a shallow, vapid, egotistical jerk. If he’s trying to be my ‘friend’ it means I’m going to be the next recipient of one of his stupid ass pranks” He’d been waiting all week for said ‘prank’ to come and rip him apart, and this being nice to him first was just something else. Black wouldn’t be nice to him. Fuck it’s going to fucking kill him when Black pulls his big joke. Dammit it's actually fucking nice to not have everyone harassing him but as soon as Black is done with this charade.. It's going to be hell. 

“What gives you that idea?”

“Why the hell else would he be following me? I’m a fucking nobody freak, Someone like Black doesn’t just start hanging around nobody freaks” It was true, Black was so painfully different from him, Black has everything, he has nothing, he is nothing. God that’s it isn’t it? 

“Remus, you are not a nobody, you matter” She spouts her lies again.

“Miss Summers as kind as that is to say, I am. I was before this, only difference now is that people are interested in what happened to me. Not in me, I’m still a nobody, they just want the drama. Only person who isn’t trying to get a cheap fucking story from me is Lily” That’s his worth right? A good laugh for Black and his friends and a fun little story for the school to mock, that’s all he is now.

“I think that opening yourself up to the possibility that their are good people out would help, however that is a topic we will approach later” Later is an interesting concept for her to bring up. Was there even a later? There is no forgetting, no choices, no real future.. so is there a later? Fuck he needed to stop his brain from this line of thought.

“I talked to Lily” That should do it, Lily was always a bright spot. he could just talk about Lily and feel a bit better right?

“You did? That’s wonderful news Remus, would you like to tell me about it?” She smiled so brightly as she inquired. How could someone else’s news bring such a bright happy smile? He couldn’t even feel happy about it, he should but he doesn’t.

“Fuck, uh, sure” He really needed to clear him mind from where it was headed. Come on Lily’s awesome, just think about Lily and be fucking happy for one whole damn minute.

“What did you talk about?”

“Black’s stalking, she can relate Potter’s been stalking her for years.. but I think she was more just happy that I talked to her” He didn’t sound very happy, hell he didn’t feel it. This wasn’t fucking working, it’s supposed to be good fucking news, not a fucking funeral announcement.

“That’s wonderful progress Remus, I’m sure Lily was very happy” Miss Summers looked at him now with her tilted neck concerned style, smile faltering as she watched him.

“yeah”

“Are you okay Remus, I can’t help but notice your change in mood” Great even she can see how useless he was, wasn’t even a bit happy about talking to his best friend for the first time in months. He really is a freak.

“I’m fine” he lied.

“Remus”

“I’m fine! I talked, I picked a damn topic, I’m fine” He kept on lying because really what was the alternative? Just announcing that he felt like maybe tomorrow it’d be best if he didn’t wake up in the morning and his world just ceased to revolve? He’s useless, just fucking useless. Can’t even be happy about one damn thing, just living in his assault, day in day out. What’s the point he’s already let ‘him’ win and now even Black was after him for a cheap fucking laugh. There is no point to this, no point in sticking around for whatever Black has planned, no point in staying for Lily when he can’t even be happy enough to be a good friend to her.

“Can I go now?”

“Remus, I’m worried to let you leave like this. What is upsetting you?” She looks so worried, so concerned about him. Why? Why bother?

“I told you I’m fine, I’m just tired is all” So goddamn tired.

“You’ll be alright?”

“Yeah” He didn’t know if it was true or not. He just had to go, get his brain out of this place, somehow. 

“If you need anything before our next session, please don’t hesitate to come see me” She almost sounds like she’s begging him. It’s so pointless. Counselling had been so pointless.

“Goodbye Miss Summers”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Okay, well I promise things will get happier eventually - Myka


	13. Sirius Black – Session #6

“Good Evening Sirius, I’m glad you showed up” Miss Summers greeted him ever cheery, even though he had blown her off for their ‘rescheduled’ appointment. Not his fault really, he had some thinking to do. 

“Yeah uh, Sorry about that” His voice was quite dismissive, but hell he wasn’t sorry for standing her up. He had shit going on, stuff that needed pondering and a boy that needed following.

“Was there any reason you choose not to come to your appointment?” She seems to think he really has nothing to better to do with his very important time then go to counselling, which is mostly fair ‘better’ couldn’t really describe the time he was having lately. He’d just been thinking, a lot of fucking thinking, James was starting to think he was sick or something.

“I had to think” 

“Well, I’m glad you’re here now. I believe we were talking about feelings you had for another student last week, would you like to continue our conversation?” Lady didn’t hold a grudge, he had to give her that.

“Actually that’s exactly the person I’d like to converse about, only I don’t have feelings for him” He tried for a charming smile, but was sure he didn’t quite pull it off. This was going to completely fucking suck after all. This whole session would probably be a massive shit show.

“You don’t? Just a passing thing then?”

“Nah, that was all bullshit, I was just killing time until James’ distraction” Fuck, his brain to mouth filter seemed to like to disappear at the most inopportune time. Shouldn’t have said that, but hell she probably had guessed by now. Still it’s not like he could just say ‘hey I stole a confidential file’ he could be expelled for that shit. Not likely given all the crap he’d done but not worth taking a chance on it, especially now he had a mission.

“Why were you killing time Sirius?” She actually sighed as she said it and he shouldn’t have felt a sense of pride in exasperating the woman, but he did.

“Ah, that’s besides the point. Thing is I’m here to talk about Lupin” Of course he actually came here today to talk about Lupin, after what he’d done Lupin seemed to play nonstop in his mind.  
“It pertains to me”

“We’ll come back to that distraction comment later then, do continue” She looked mighty curious to hear what he had to say about Lupin, which was pretty interesting but besides the point.

“I’ve been keeping an eye on him, cause clearly he can’t do it by himself” He’d been keeping a very close eye on the boy actually, in fact two eyes, he owed him at least that after what he did. Not that Lupin would ever know about that. he wasn’t about to tell anyone what he saw, it wasn’t his to share, not even to James.

“That’s very gallant of you Sirius, but are you sure that Mr. Lupin appreciates your efforts?” From her tone it was clear that Remus had complained about his efforts, hell he didn’t need her tone to tell him that it was written all over the kids face how annoyed he was.

“Regardless. He can’t take care of himself” One thing that had become very apparent from watching Remus was that the kid lacked any sort of self preservation skills. He watched Lupin almost walk straight into a wall just yesterday, had it not been for his ‘Oi’ the boy would have. Not to mention the sick shit people said to him, calling him Loopy and Freak, pestering him about what happened with Frank, He’d even heard Mulciber ask Lupin if he stopped talking because he had a cock shoved too far down his throat. He had reacted a bit aggressively to that, it’s not like Mulciber knew but he was an ass hat anyways, he deserved the fucking ass kicking. So obviously Remus needed him to watch him. 

“Well very kind, you need to consider Mr. Lupin’s feelings on that matter”

“Listen Miss, the thing is I know what happened to him” There it was out, now he could talk about it and stop feeling so damn guilty, and also still protect Remus, cause he needed it, this was purely selfless. It wasn't like he was trying to protect his younger self or anything, this was completely about Lupin.

“Sirius, I strongly caution you not to draw conclusions about other students. This is not a laughing matter”

“No, it’s not, but I know he was raped” The words felt sick in his mouth even though they had nothing to do with him. The way he found out and the guilt associated with it didn’t fucking help either. Imagining that scared face he’d seen being pinned under a brute like Sparks was enough to make him feel like fucking puking his guts out. It was like remembering his mom holding his 6 year old head under the bath water that time he cursed in front of her. No actually, it was nothing like that, this was about Lupin, nothing else. 

“Sirius, I don’t know how you’d have discovered this information but I must press upon you how delicate this situation is to the well being of Mr. Lupin. This information could be severely detrimental to him were it to get out” Miss Summers had taken a long pause with her eyes shut before she had said that. Most likely planning out what she felt was the best way to tell him to keep his fucking mouth shut.

“Well no shit! I’m not going to tell anyone, I’m not a fucking monster” Funny that even his own counsellor thought so little of him that he’d be willing to just torture someone like that. Of course, because he was the Sirius ‘I don’t give a shit’ Black that everyone had thought him to be, that even he tried to force himself to be far more often then he'd care to admit. Still kind of stung that she thought that though.

“I’m very glad to hear that, and I know you’re not a monster Sirius. It’s just a very delicate situation” 

“That’s why I’m watching out for him, he can’t take care of himself right now” He may have huffed it a bit at her, but really could she not just trust him on this, he knew what he was fucking doing.

“Sirius, Please don’t put yourself in a situation you aren’t able to understand” Her words were pissing him off now. Can’t understand? What the hell does she know? He wants to fucking help because he can understand.

“I do understand! I bet he wants to be alone, but really he needs someone, that he’s scared but can’t show it, that he wants to be held but is afraid their hands will hurt him! I do understand!” He didn’t know why he had to convince her, he really fucking shouldn’t have, she didn’t fucking deserve to know shit if she thought so damn little of him.

“Sirius, would you be able to tell me why it is that you relate so much to Mr. Lupin?” She always fucking spins everything back around to this! He just wants to help Remus, it has nothing to do with him. 

“No”

“Is someone hurting you?” That question is why he doesn’t fucking go to people for shit all! Fuck right off asking him that shit.

“No! Fuck, I left that shit! No one fucking touches me anymore!” His brain didn’t even register the words before they came out of his mouth. Fucking shit, goddamn stupid fucking mouth spewing shit it wasn’t fucking supposed to!

“Sirius relax okay? I’m not going to ask you about it if you don’t want to tell me, I just want to make sure you are safe and that your brother is safe” She spoke to him like a small fucking child, he’s not about to have a bullshit fucking tantrum. He’s pissed for good fucking reason. He came to fucking help someone and she was pulling this crap out. Bullshit prying into his crappy fucking life is a damn good reason to get pissed off. His own damn fault too for coming here.

“Reg is fine, Reg is the golden child.” It’s just me the could never love. He doesn’t add that, but it’s fucking true, defective fucking Sirius wasn’t worthy of their love, not that he ever wanted it. Fuck he hates this so much. He doesn’t even want to think about ‘them’ let alone fucking talk about this shit. He came here for Lupin, not himself. Lupin needs his help, he doesn't need fuck all, he was fucking over it. 

“I’m so sorry Sirius, that is an incredibly hard load to bare”

“I’m not here for this, I don’t care about that shit” Just change the topic or something, cause this has already been given way more fucking time and energy then it fucking deserves. 

“Okay Sirius, We don’t have to talk about it until you’re ready” he’ll never be ready, because he doesn’t need to talk about it he got over it the second he turned up at the Potters, but she’s not pressing it so whatever.

“I’m going to keep watching out for Remus, you can’t make me stop” He wasn’t about to just let that go because she brought up his family. The kid needed someone and he knew just how fucking much. 

“I don’t want you to stop Sirius, just take it down a notch or two. Maybe think about supporting from a distance, offer a kind word, be understanding. Just respect Mr. Lupin's need for space rather than stalking him” her words actually made him laugh, he always was a tad overzealous when he was determined. To be fair that was Lupin’s fault really, with his cute ass face stuck in a book 24/7 and his inability to manage day to day life or even offer a fraction of self defense. Lupin needed him, whether he knew it or not.

“I guess following him into the bathroom was a bit overboard” Maybe not his best choice, and hell did Lupin look mad. It’s not like he followed him into the stall or anything. So the face was a bit overkill, but fuck did Lupin look hot when he was angry. Oh well, he was after all just keeping him safe.

“Perhaps a bit”

“Times up Summers! See you later” Good god finally. How do these damn things take so long? Whatever, he was out. He had a boy to find. 

“Have a goodnight Sirius”


	14. Sirius Black – Impromptu Meeting

“Where is he?!” He burst into Miss Summers office unannounced. This was not on, Lupin hadn’t been around for three days. Three days the kid was just gone. He wasn’t in classes, or in the dining hall, hell he wasn’t even in the dorm common room. Why that effected him so much was a fucking mystery, why did any of this really effect him? Probably just pity, guilt and his damn need to protect the boy for some strange reason.

“Where is who?” She asks looking at him incredulously most likely due to his sudden appearance in her office.

“You damn well know who! Where the fuck is he?”

“Sirius, if this isn’t an emergency can it wait? I’m in the middle of a session” Her words making him abruptly aware of the other person’s presents in the room. Lovegood, thank god, Lovegood was hippy as shit and wouldn’t go around telling the world that Sirius Black was seen near a counsellors office, worse Lovegood would do is try and hug him. Besides the point he came here for a damn good reason.

“Yes it’s a fucking emergency, why the hell else would I be here? Where is he?” Seriously, just answer the damn question, he was going fucking crazy.

“Xenophilius, Would you mind if we took a brief break so I could speak with Sirius?” She dismissed Lovegood and honestly if the guy replied to her request he didn’t hear a world of it, probably did but doesn’t matter what the hell he said what mattered was he got the fuck up and left, not before patting him on the shoulder mind you. Xenophilius was touchy feely like that, the kind of bloke who would go to counselling just because he enjoyed talking about his emotions. Also what kind of weird ass names do rich people pick for their kids, James and Peter were starting to look like the odd names at this damn school. Fuck he was getting distracted, he had a bloody mission in coming here. Fucking focus Black.

“Where is he?”

“Who Sirius?” Had he not been singularly focused on one damn person every time he came here? Take a cognitive leap lady! 

“Lupin! Where is he?”

“Mr. Lupin is missing? I was not informed of this” Though not in the least bit helpful she did look very concerned with her reply. Made him feel at least a bit less crazy for doing this that she was also concerned, but very fucking nervous about where the kid was.

“Yes he’s missing! I haven’t seen him anywhere in 3 fucking days!”

“One minute Sirius, I’ll be right back” She informed him as she headed out of her office, leaving him to his thoughts as he paced her small office. He really wished she hadn’t because what the hell was he even doing? Remus wasn’t even his friend, and here he was freaking out that he’d not seen him in a few days. Just because he knew how Remus was abused shouldn’t have made him feel so damn protective of him, should it? Why the hell did he feel this way? Why did he have to go and steal that damn file?! To be fair, it wasn’t even the file though was it? It was that damn face wasn’t it? The terrified face as he fought for his life, it told him everything he should have needed to know. He’d seen that look in the mirror, he’d felt what that kind of fear felt like, he’d just never seen it on another person before. He shouldn’t have needed to read the damn file he already knew the gist of what would be on it, but no! He just had to know and now he just wanted to help and keep Remus safe. God where is Miss Summers? He needed to stop thinking about this.

What if someone attacked Remus again? Did he already fail him? What if Remus killed himself? That was a possibility wasn’t it? He knows there were days when he’d felt it would be the only way to stop the pain, days where he almost..

“I’m sorry that took so long Sirius” Miss Summers voice thankfully interrupted his dark thoughts. First time he was ever truly happy to hear that voice.

“Is he okay?”

“I have someone going to check on him” Thank god Miss Summers actually took him seriously, he’d have gone and checked on Remus himself had he known which dorm the kid stayed in and wasn’t trying to back off a bit. In hindsight wasn’t he friends with Lily Evans? He probably could’ve asked her, then again she’d have ignored him and definitely kick his ass.. again.

“Can I.. um, wait here? Like if you don’t have anyone waiting. I want to make sure he’s okay” Did he actually just request to stay in a fucking counsellors office? Whatever, he had to know if the kid was okay before he could do anything anyhow, he’d been panicking for three damn days about it. Shit what if he waited too long?

“Of course you can Sirius, Mr. Lovegood was my last appointment today. Is there anything you’d like to discuss while we wait?”

“No, but I suppose I do owe you a session” He really wasn’t excited about that prospect, but hell at least he would be squared with her on the session he missed now. This better fucking count.

“You owe me nothing, I’m just glad you came back. Talking now does not have to be as talking to a counsellor, it’s just talking. We’re always just talking Sirius, if there is ever anything you feel uncomfortable talking about you are under no obligation to in this office” Complete load of crap, she’s the one who keeps asking about his bullshit family. If it’s just damn well talking then he’d have never brought up his family, they were in the past and fuck the past.

“Uh thanks. Not really anything I care to talk about to be perfectly honest” His leg would probably be twitching like fucking crazy if he were sitting down, he just wanted someone to come and tell them that Lupin was okay, that he hadn’t waited too long, that he could still protect Lupin. For fucks sake he had to stop being so damn worried, it was getting pathetic. Actually let's be real, It was well passed pathetic by now.

“Why don’t you tell me about Peter? I’ve heard you mention him a few times”

“Sure, uh Peter.. Peter’s a good guy. That’s kind of Pete, he’s the nice one. He kind of just started following me and James around in first and now he’s been our mate ever since” Probably not the nicest way to describe one of his best mates, but hell he was distracted. He would make it up later when he wasn’t so singularly focused.

“The nice...” She started saying but a knock on the door cut her off.

“I’m be right back Sirius” No dammit, fucking talk in here. This was driving him insane.

It was too late to reply anyways she’d already left with who he caught to be Professor McGonagall. Fuck now he just has to wait here and pace again, fuck! She better not be so damn long this time his mind wandered too much when it was quiet, he always tried to fill his life with noise and adventure to stop it.

“Sorry about that Sirius” Apparently he needn’t have worried, that was quick. Probably the kid was just sick and he’d sent a hoard of teachers to his room to harass him for no fucking reason.

“So?”

“He’s fine Sirius, just a bit under the weather” Ah thank fuck and here he was jumping to the conclusion that Lupin was locked away dying. Fuck was he ever turning into some pansy motherfucker.

“Now if you’d excuse me, I have some matters to attend to” She dismissed him, for probably the first time ever without him begging to leave.

“Thanks Miss Summers” He didn’t want to stick around anyways, coming there in the first place was probably a massive waste of his time. Freaking out over fucking nothing.

He most likely would have carried on thinking that way, had it not been for McGonagall standing on the other side of the door as he left, looking somehow rather more stern then usual. It was a similar look to the one she gave him when he got into shit. Damn hopefully the kid wasn’t smoking pot of something out his window when he sent the fucking staff to check on him. He wasn’t trying to get Lupin into trouble. Fuck, oh well at least he didn’t commit suicide, McGonagall’s face told him that much, she was good but even she’d have a flustered look if there was a dead kid. Still something other than annoyance was placed in her expression. 

Well hell at least Lupin’s not dead, so mission successful? Something still bugged him about it, but no point in wasting time thinking about that. There was still time for him, James and Peter to cause some shit, and given that he’d been a mopey twat lately he’d better get up to something before people started to suspect that he was up to something.


	15. Remus Lupin - Session #11

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Ok so this story is pretty much just a big trigger warning in itself, but if anything then this chapter is. I hope it is done well and respectfully - Myka

“Come in Remus” Well now he’s screwed the pooch, that was definitely not a good sign. Her greeting while mundane were a constant, as well as her unwavering need to force him to fucking talk. However he definitely fucked right up this week. 

“Not going to say ‘Good evening Remus, Please take a seat’ then offer me some chocolate today?” He had kind of still expected it, nothing changes when it comes to her, from her cheery attitude to her nauseating colorful outfits, she was always consistent. Today she wasn’t, she wasn’t cheery, she wasn’t saying the same shit. Fuck her! Changing on him, how fucking dare she? Sure he fucked up but still, she was supposed to always be the same. 

“No, not today” She doesn’t sound mad at least, more hopeless. Great even she’s given up on him.

“Why not?” He doesn’t even know why he’s bothering to ask, he knows why. He fucked up badly this time, and his ever disappearing freedom was probably on it’s last few days of life.

“I’m still considering my course of action for today” 

“So it’s the old loony bin for Loopy? That’s cool maybe I’ll get a new nickname! Loony Loopy! Oh won’t it just be swell” Time to just embrace it, no point in fighting the inevitable. He wasn’t like her, repetition wasn’t written in his coding. He knew when to give up.

“No Remus, this isn’t about locking you up and throwing away the key. It’s about keeping you safe” Safe?! He was fucking safe, safer then ever before, locked in his damn room where no one could fucking touch him. 

“I’m safe! I didn’t do anything!”

“Remus, you could have died” She sounds like she’s shocked he doesn’t think he was in danger. He wasn’t, the danger lived outside of his room. So what if he was drunker than anything for 3 days, hell he sent a note staying he was sick, how terrible could it have been? A few drinks and some fucking sleeping pills that were fucking prescribed to him, not enough to fucking kill him, just enough so that he was asleep or too drunk to care for a few fucking days, that’s all.

“No, I knew what I was doing, I wasn’t about to die. Look I know I fucked up okay? Can’t we just leave it at that?” He only really thought it was a fuck up because he was caught, but still. Why the fuck they came to check on him was the real fucking problem.

“Unfortunately I’m going to have to put you on suicide watch, I know this seems like another thing being taken from you, but we have to keep you safe Remus” She’s going to what now?! He’s not fucking suicidal! 

“I wasn’t trying to kill myself! I just wanted to forget! And why? Why fucking bother?!” All this shit, all this fucking bullshit to ‘keep him safe’ it’s fucking pointless, he doesn’t fucking matter.

“Because you matter Remus, I care about you and don’t want to see you hurt” She can’t, she needs to stop, it’s not fair.

“Stop! Just Stop! I don’t want you to care about me! I don’t want anyone to care about me! I just want to be left alone! Can’t you see that? Can’t you understand that things would be so much easier if everyone just stopped caring?!” God they all needed to just stop caring, just let him fucking wallow. Why can’t anyone just respect that?

“Why do you feel that would make things easier?”

“Because then I could waste away in peace! Without feeling so fucking bad for hurting people! I know I’m hurting people okay?! I don’t want to be! Why can’t I just be normal and fucking move on from this? Why does it hurt so fucking much?!” He can’t stand this it’s too damn hard, he’s hurting everyone all the damn time and he should’ve just been over this by now. Now she thinks he’s suicidal and he’s going to be watched all the fucking time, more fucking people not leaving him alone. It’s awful. 

“There is nothing abnormal about struggling with this, you are not any less of a person for feeling depressed. People are hurting yes, but not because of you Remus, they are hurting for you because they love and care for you” Something about this just gets to him, it’s not fair. He’s so damn tired of feeling hurt, so fucking tired of feeling like he’s hurting others. He just wants to be himself again. It might not be abnormal but it certainly feels that way. Why does everyone have to be so damn hurt? Stop caring for him! It’s not fair. Everything else is gone, ‘he’ took everything else away, why leave him with one last thing, the thing that keeps him holding on, was it just to torture him? God why did ‘he’ have to do this? Fuck him and leave him with nothing, like he meant nothing to ‘him’!

“Why do people do this Miss Summers? Why would he do that? We were friends.. I trusted him. Hell I loved him, and he stole this from me, why does it feel like he took everything away from me?” He did love him and that was the part that hurt the most, he was everything to him, he meant so fucking much. He told him he fucking loved him, why did he do this? Why’d he take it away so fucking quickly. Why did he steal that?

“I don’t know why Remus, I wish I did. I wish I could take away your pain and give you the answers you’re looking for. All I can do is try and help you through it, help you to understand that he did not take everything from you and one day you will be able to reclaim the parts of you that feel broken” Her words sound so impossible, but god he wants them to be true. He’d been caught doped up on sleeping pills and too much booze and instead of locking him away or shunning him, they fucking embraced him, Lily fucking cried so damn much, McGonagall sat with him all fucking night, Miss Summers demanded he be with someone until his appointment, and they’d fucking volunteered. Not just them, fucking Black came to his dorm room and sat fucking quietly with him for hours, like he fucking meant something to him. Somehow convinced Lily to let him stay and left him with the words that broke him. Blacks words echoed inside him and destroyed any preconception he had.  
‘You know Remus, I’ve been fighting them for so long I think I forgot how to feel, it’s a terrible thing to feel nothing, it rips apart everything that makes you, you. Everything that you fought so hard not to become turns into exactly who you are and that’s when they win, not when they’re hurting you, not when your so depressed you can’t get up, not when the bottle is empty. It’s when you let yourself become just as cold as they are, that’s when they win. Don’t let him win Remus’ Black just left him with that, just barged into his fucking room out of nowhere and left him with that.

He had to do this, now more then ever.. he had to say it or it was going to kill him.

“I think I’m ready to talk about it Miss Summers” Oh god, was he? Could he do this? Fuck. Why is it so hard? He had to, he needed it out. This was eating him up, killing him inside, he had to get it out.. he couldn’t let him win.

“Take your time Remus, I’m here to listen”

“I don’t even know how to start”

“Why don’t we start with the day, not the event?” Thank god for Miss Summers and her never ending ability to start a fucking conversation, he’d have fizzled out and the words would have died in his mouth if left on his own devices.

“I don’t know, it was just a normal day.. we were just hanging out, nothing really exciting. I guess we had a few drinks.. but not a ton. Aaron wanted to go for a walk to get something to eat” His name was bitter on his tongue, it was the first time he’d spoken it since that day. God this is so fucking hard.

“he.. well we were just having fun..” He lost his fucking nerves the words died completely. Why was he doing this? he hates Miss Summers, hates her so fucking much, why is he telling her? Black was right though, this was going to fucking destroy him.. it had to come out, he had to say it.

“and he attacked you?”

“No, it wasn’t like that.. he told me he loved me. I was so fucking happy about it..” It had meant the world to him, he’d been pinning for months, loving him so fucking much. He told him he loved him, and then he stole everything. Ruined every fucking thing.

“It’s okay Remus, take your time”

“He just started kissing me.. it was okay. It was nice.. I ugh, I didn’t even mind when he started touching me at first.. but I didn’t want to um, well not there, not right away.. I told him to stop.. but he didn’t listen” He could feel them now, hands everywhere, touching everything. Not listening, ruining everything. 

“You’re doing so well Remus, I’m right here if you need anything”

“I tried Miss Summers, I really tried to get him off me.. he just got so mad” So damn mad, telling him he owed him now. He said he loved him and because of that he owed him. So fucking mad when he tried to stop him.

“This was not your fault Remus”

“Next thing I know he was taking off my clothes.. I stopped fighting Miss Summers.. I was just so motherfucking scared.. I just let him.. I let him take everything from me” He let him ruin everything, every fucking last thing they had and he just let him.

“Remus, you didn’t let him do anything. He is the one to blame for this not you”

“Then why do I feel like I fucking lead him on? Like I should have fought harder, I just god damn well gave up Miss Summers!” He just fucking let him, this was all his fault, he fucking let it happen!

“Remus listen to me, you are NOT to blame for this, you did nothing wrong. You don’t have to tell him to stop, or fight back, it doesn’t matter how many drinks he had, or the feelings he had for you. What matters is it was not something you both wanted. That should have been respected. This is not your fault in any way, shape or form” She tells him with tears in her eyes, she’s really not a robot, or odious or anything else he called her, he’s just so damn angry with himself for letting him do this, he ruined everything not Aaron. 

“Then why do I feel so guilty?”

“He was your friend Remus, someone you trusted, give yourself time. You have done nothing wrong, the way you’re feeling isn’t shameful. He choose his own path, you did not choose it for him” He had trusted him, he trusted him so damn much. God this was awful, so fucking horribly awful but he did it, he told the whole stupid bullshit story. It doesn't feel fucking better, it doesn't feel like he's winning anything, but maybe now he can be left the fuck alone, that's what he wants right? to be alone? 

“I’m not going to kill myself Miss Summers. I promise, I don’t need to be put on suicide watch” He wasn’t. He didn’t want him to win.

“Why don’t we compromise then, I’d still like to know you are alright and staying away from alcohol”

“What compromise?”

“I’ll have someone check on you twice per day and twice per night, at a random time, does that sound fair?” Ugh, well at least it’s not going to be a constant watch, or someone in his dorm every fucking half hour. Really he might argue but talking about this shit had worn him out so much, he had no fight left to give.

“Yeah I suppose.. Can I pick the person?” He didn't know why he was going to ask this, maybe she should just lock him up, considering what he was about to ask, he's obviously lost his fucking mind.

"As long as it's someone trust worthy"

"Ha! He's about as trust worthy as a scorpion" and he must he a fucking frog or turtle or whatever the fuck it is in that story to be asking.

"Who might that be?" She looks like she's in on something, like she knows what he'd going to say, she couldn't possibly, he's blown away by this.

"Black.. can Black check on me.. I mean if he's willing" There no taking it back now he'd officially gone fucking bat shit insane. Something about what Black said though...

“I'm sure he'd love to help, I'll ask him. Oh and Remus, you’re making such good progress, I know it doesn’t feel like it but you are, I’m so proud of you for sharing” Was he? Was it just magically boom he told his story and now he’s all good? He’d told it so why doesn’t he feel better, isn’t that how this works, talk and you feel better, talk and you'll stop being so fucking angry? Wait! holy shit.. Black was going to be checking on him! Did he really ask for that?! What the fuck was the matter with him?! Why the fucking fuck did she agree to that? Oh god he had to leave here right fucking now before he starts asking for Potter to become his new counsellor, fuck counselling messed with his head.

“Can I go now?”

“If you’ll be okay then yes. Have a good night Remus, if you need anything, at any time, I’m here for you” Would he be okay? He really didn’t know. It was now in the forefront of his bullshit mind thanks to this and it didn't feel like it helped fuck all. Sirius was right though, he couldn’t let Aaron win.

“Thank you Miss Summers, have a good night”


	16. Sirius Black – Session #7

“Good Evening Sirius, Please take a seat” The woman says like usual, like there is nothing wrong. Stupid woman, she should fucking know better then to think he’d just be willing to resume their conversation like normal.

“How are you today?”

“Sirius?” She staring at him all tilted neck and concerned like she has no fucking clue why he’s not replying. It’s not generally within his capabilities to sit quietly, but he was fuming and she was the bloody reason. Stupid lying woman. 

“Sirius, why are you not talking?” Really?! How the hell doesn’t she know? 

“I’m still pissed off at you” He was apparently going to have to lay this out for her. Though it seemed rather obvious to him.

“Why are you mad at me?”

“Because you said he was okay! He wasn’t okay!” Fucking tell him the kid is fine, then go kick him out with that. How the hell was he supposed to trust her after that? Not that he completely trusted her in the first damn place, but still she should have told him, he shouldn’t have had to find out from James.

“I’m sorry Sirius but some matters are confidential” Confidential really, that was her excuse? Every fucking person knew, it was halfway across the fucking school before he found out. By the fucking time it got to him it was warped and distorted into a gruesome tale and he’d thought he’d been too fucking late. 

“That’s a crap reason and you know it! He’s fine, you said, just sick, you said! Fucking load of crap!” Absolute pile of crap, he’d been the damn person to come to her in the first fucking place. She’d have just left Lupin there alone and hurt. He deserved to know a fuck ton more then she did! At least he’d worried about his safety unlike her. 

“Sirius, we’ve spoken about this. I’m not able to give you private details on another student” 

“You fucking lied! You’re not allowed to lie either, isn’t that the fucking deal?! But no instead I go off to find my mates and find out that he’s in the fucking nurses office to make sure he didn’t fucking overdose! How is that fine?” Honestly what part of that did she qualify as ‘fine’ the kid wasn’t fucking fine, so what if he turned out to be okay, he was a far fucking stretch from fine. She has no fucking clue what it’s like to drown in something like this, how easy it is to go from trying to forget to not caring if you wake up or not. If it weren’t for James he’d have.. no not going there, this is only about Remus. 

“It was just cautionary Sirius. I know that you care very much for him, but you must understand that part of my job is keeping these matters confidential”

“I don’t ‘care very much for him’ I just.. it’s my.. uh.. my.. Well he can’t take care of himself” That wasn’t, he didn’t care for him did he? This was just about Lupin being defenseless, he’d be doing this for anyone in this situation right? It was just because it reminded him too much of home, wasn’t it? Shit, did he actually care about Lupin and not just pity his situation? Fuck, he was going to have to think about that now.

“Sirius, Mr. Lupin is doing alright. While your insistence to help is appreciated, these sessions are meant for your support”

“I don’t need support, I told you. I’m good” What part of he was over it did she not understand. His life was fucking great now.

“Why don’t we discuss the fight you had with a Mr. Rosier this week?” So damn fixated on him fighting, She loved to spin everything back to this shit. Whatever he had to think about the Lupin thing later now, at least he could easily talk shit about Rosier.

“Well you’re going to hate this but it was about Remus”

“Quite the opposite Sirius, I think it is wonderful that you are sticking up for Mr. Lupin, it’s the violence that concerns me” Always about the violence, Jesus woman how would she deal with it? Probably run and cry. It’s not like he was ever taught better, someone pisses you off, fucking punch them, that’s all he was ever taught. Even then that’s some fucking progress on the Black way of resolving problems because at least he didn’t go after anyone who couldn’t give it back equally. Too many damn times being too fucking small to lift a hand in defense, beat that lesson into him.

“I don’t see why he’s a wanker, but he can still fight back. He deserved it”

“why do you feel he deserved it?”

“He said shit about me defending Remus” Bullshit stuff about the bullshit offence he was causing his bullshit family by standing up for someone so ‘less than’, fuck him.

“What did he say?”

“I believe it was something along the lines of me defending a psycho loser faggot to bring shame upon the oh so noble name of Black. So I headbutted him, his fault for standing so close” Headbutted him so damn hard he fell straight on his ass, fucking hilarious if anything.

“While Mr. Rosier’s language and statement are certainly not appropriate, and something I will be mentioning to the headmaster violence is never the answer Sirius” Great, now he was also a snitch.

“So I should just take it and walk away? Just let him say that shit about Remus?” 

“It sounds to me like what he said vulgar as it was, wasn’t designed to harm Remus, but you” It was completely about Remus, nothing to do with him. He might maybe care about Remus, but he certainly doesn’t give a shit about his family name.

“Well, it still would have hurt Remus if he heard it”

“But it didn’t upset you? Other than for Mr. Lupin’s sake”

“No, why should I care? I’m been an embarrassment to the Black name since I was born” Honestly it was like a mantra in his head his whole life: ‘Sirius sit down, you’re such an embarrassment’, ‘Sirius you had better not cause any more embarrassment tonight’, ‘Sirius I swear to fucking god if you embarrass this family one more time you’ll spend the rest of the week in the cellar’. Not that he even cared, he was fucking proud of it. Actually proud of it.. now at least, now that they couldn’t fucking touch him.

“What makes you think that?”

“Heard it from Mumsy herself, probably my first words”

“That had to be hard” Hard? Ha! That was the bright spot. That filled him with fucking joy to be called an embarrassment now.

“Nah, it’s cool. Kind of a badge of honor, trust me miss if your family had the beliefs mine does you’d take pride in being the outcast, in fact you’d fucking revel in it. I don’t judge people based on their outward appearances, I do on their quality as fucking human beings. If that makes me an embarrassment then I’m fucking proud to be one”

“it’s impressive that you overcame the beliefs pressed upon you at such a young age, however it still must have been difficult to hear your mother say things like that” Sure, she wasn’t wrong. Maybe the words hurt more than the fists, maybe he felt mixed up and confused when he was young just because he didn’t fucking hate people. That was then though. Nothing from that family hurt him anymore, their words of hatred didn’t effect him now.

“It’s not impressive just what anyone with a soul would do. What do you want me to say? Life in the Black household wasn’t all sunshine and rainbows? That’s just plain laid out for you in the name Black.. It was shitty, everything about that house was shitty. I’m fucking glad to be rid of them”

“Even your brother?”

“Regulus made his choice, if he’d rather be their lapdog then have his own opinions then yeah, I’m glad” Reg, bloody fucking Regulus! Maybe if he’s tried harder to stop Reg from becoming like them. Maybe he could have saved him, Regulus has a good heart after all, he’s just afraid. Afraid to end up just like him. Damn he needed to get off this line of thought.

“I don’t want to talk about them, their not worth the breath. Can you change the topic?”

“Of course Sirius, is there any else you’d like to discuss?”

“Not really”

“Then there is something I’d like to ask you, you are under no obligation however” Curious, she wants a favor from him? Well after she lied to him she could get stuffed if she thought he’d do shit all for her, still curiosity always wins.

“Well, what is it?”

“Mr. Lupin will be requiring someone to check in on him during the day time, twice per day. I was wondering if you’d be willing to do this?”

“Yes!” Oh that just came out of his mouth without even thinking about it. Guess she wasn’t going to get stuffed, but still this isn’t for her. It’s for Remus and well after he sat in his dorm the other day, he may have become a bit more interested in not just protecting the kid but getting to know him. Then again what if this was going to prevent that?

“Wait, does it involve snitching on him?”

“Not quite, simply a quick 5 minute check to ensure his safety. However there are certain things you would need to inform Professor McGonagall about” There’s the rub.

“What are they?”

“Drugs or alcohol within the room or the appearance that he’s taken drugs or alcohol, and If he appears to be a threat to himself. Mr. Lupin is aware of these rules, and is alright with this arrangement” Oh so now she admits the kid was in danger! Drugs and alcohol, would he actually tell Minnie if he saw that? Probably not, but well it depends. Ah well doesn’t matter Lupin is cool with it then fuck yes. Okay so he does care about the kid a little bit.

“Yeah, I’ll totally do it, but is he okay with it being ME?”

“He is. Sirius, if you’re going to do this there will be rules you will have to follow” Rules! Has she even met him? Nevertheless Lupin was good with him checking on him, and fuck did that make his heart beat go crazy, doesn’t matter the rules, he’ll fake it! He’s definitely doing this, what better way to keep the kid safe was there? Fuck yes! 

“Yeah, yeah, that’s cool. I want to do it”

“Wonderful, you may leave to go see Professor McGonagall and discuss this further, if you’d like” 

“See ya Summers!” Straight to see McGonagall he goes! This is going to be awesome. He’s probably way too excited about this to be considered normal. Something about Lupin though, something more then a mutual understanding of what pain really was. No time for that, Minnie awaits!

“Have a goodnight Sirius”


	17. Remus Lupin - Session #12

“Good Evening Remus, Please take a seat” Miss Summers typical greeting returned and try as he like to be irritated by it, it was nice. Nice to know that she really wasn’t going to change on him, especially after last weeks hell. He had been incredibly nervous to return here, he really didn’t think he could handle it if she treated him differently, everyone treated him so differently now.

“Could I” he gestured towards the box of chocolates on her desk, after the week he had chocolate would be a major necessity today. Chocolate was always a major necessity for him but that doubled when he was annoyed. As much as he was glad she wasn’t about the start changing on him, he was still heavily annoyed. This week if anything had been incredibly annoying.

“Of course Remus, you don’t need to ask, take as many as you like” She’s obviously not aware of the fact that chocolate had become his main source of substance if she thinks one box will be as much as he likes.

“That might be a fuck ton today”

“Why’s that” She should know, she agreed to his lunacy last week and he’d been regretting it ever since. This was really her fault, who agrees to something asked by a person having some kind of mental crisis?

“Could I take back having Black be the one to visit?” 

“If there is a good reason, of course you can. It’s your choice Remus” Really should she have allowed him to make that choice? His choice options were really a mystery, he can’t choose whether to be alone or really anything else but for some reason he gets to make insane choices in the middle of a breakdown?

“Is obsessive amounts of annoying a good enough reason?” It should be, because he was quickly learning just how much talent Black had for being annoying. 

“He’s been bothering you a lot?” Understatement of the year.

“I'm not sure bothering covers it. He has a very acute talent for being annoying”

“What is it he’s doing?” She asks like she’s surprised he’s bugging him. It’s crazy really, had she met Black? Ugh fucking Black. 

“First of all twice a day, that’s all it’s supposed to be right? Random times twice a day and twice a night a Professor comes, that was the deal! But no, Sirius can’t comprehend that, he just shows up! Whenever he’s bored, maybe 6-8 times a day. Which maybe I could forgive, but two days ago he somehow found out they were checking at night too, now he thinks he should check on me at night! Fucking hell the professors just use a key then leave, but not Black no, Black has to knock and knock until I open the damn door, then he stays! I need to sleep!” Not that he was really sleeping anyhow now that they were dishing out his sleeping pills like they were going out of stock, but still where does Black get off? Why Black even agreed to this in the first place and was actually doing it was a fucking mystery. Fucking Black, can’t even handle listening to one damn thing, twice a day, that’s it! 

“I can talk to him about this, refresh him memory on the rules of his involvement as he seems to have forgotten” 

“I fucking refreshed his memory yesterday, but he doesn’t learn!” 

“You refreshed his memory?” She sounds shocked and happy, like he’d made some huge accomplishment for telling Black off. It’s ridiculous, it’s not like he wanted to talk, but with Black you don’t have a choice.

“Yes! I told him to leave me the fuck alone, that if he didn’t get his motherfucking annoying ass face out of my damn dorm room I was going to fucking murder him” God did he want to punch Black, showing up at fucking midnight.

“and what did he say to this”

“he told me I had a ‘potty mouth’ and proceeded to look through my books!” Completely fucking unfazed by the fact that he was being a fucking dick head, no just wander around the room like he owned the damn world. Wasn’t the point of this that Black would be bored by now?

“Remus, why did you choose Mr. Black in the first place?”

“I uh, well he said something that made me think he understood, but obviously I was wrong. I should have picked Lily okay, I hate to put more on her because I know how stressed she is right now, but yeah no I pick Lily, get him to stop” He really should have picked Lily, even if she was busy with her study groups and end of term exams coming up. Fucking Black though, he had a stupid ass melt down and picking goddamn Black. Of course there were other reasons, he assumed Sirius would get bored right away and forgo checking on him in favor of causing trouble. Also he guessed that Sirius probably wouldn’t have told anyone if he was shit faced during one of his check ins. More then that though, he wasn’t just lying to her, what Black had said effected him. Screwed with his bloody mind. 

“Are you sure you’re wrong?”

“Well no, but does it matter? He’s pissing me off” really, really pissing him off. So what if Black apparently had some understanding of what he was going through and furthermore how? How did Black even have a clue? Wasn’t he a member of one of the richest elite families that go to this fucking school, no one would dream of messing with a Black except maybe another family member. Then again didn’t Sirius move in with the Potters suddenly? Still it doesn’t matter, fuck Sirius. 

“No it’s completely your choice, however may I give you my opinion?”

“Sure”

“I think Mr. Black is the right decision for this” She’s lost her fucking mind!

“How the hell you could think Black is a good choice is beyond me!”

“I think you two would relate well if given half a chance, now this is just my opinion and you are free to pick as you please” She thinks they could relate? What the hell does that mean? How could Black ever relate to this? Fuck he really hopes Sirius can’t relate to this, even if Sirius pissed him off, he still doesn’t ever want him to be able to relate to this, he doesn’t wish that on anyone. Still, what Sirius said.. It couldn't really be possible could it?

“I’ll think about it”

“Wonderful! Now is there anything else you’d like to discuss?”

“No”

“Have you been drinking?” She brought that up out of nowhere. Can’t they just have one damn session where he didn’t leave feeling ten times more shitty? Can’t he just bitch about Black for an hour and just be done with it? He did his share of talking last week, he shouldn’t have to today.

“How the hell would I have been drinking? I just told you Black is constantly checking on me” He had. Not as much but still, he’d definitely drank a bit. People really didn’t notice anything they didn’t want to see, if he brought a travel mug filled with vodka into class with old Slughorn, no one noticed. He was trying anyways so it shouldn’t matter, it was less then last week. 

“I know this is hard Remus, but it is only meant for your safety and well being”

“I’m fine! I told you that already” She really can’t seem to get it, he doesn’t want all of this, never did and never will.

“Remus, it concerns me that you don’t see the danger you were in. Mixing drugs and alcohol is not something to be played around with” Danger, really? Fuck off, he already told her he knew what he was fucking doing. He already told her everything, she should know that anything he did to himself couldn’t be classed as danger anymore. Danger comes from people outside, people he fucking trusted. She should know this now.

“First of all danger? Really? I was in my own dorm alone, no one was likely to hurt me. Secondly it was prescription! Prescribed to me, for me to take! Perfectly legal and all that”

“I feel that right now being alone as much as you may wish for it, is the biggest danger to you” God fucking dammit! Really every session has to end in him feeling so damn shit about himself? He can't even be alone without it being a massive fucking concern to everyone. None of this is fucking fair.

“I talked didn’t I? Shouldn’t that mean that I’m doing my part, that I’m trying?” He is trying, He did his part! He talked, now they should be done, moving on, he should be moving on now. He’s working on it, he’s talking, talking to her and Lily, he’s even yelling at Black, why doesn’t this count for anything? It’s not like he wants to feel like a worthless nobody whose only good is to be used. He’s actually trying now, trying to feel better, trying to move on. 

“Yes Remus, it was wonderful progress. You are making huge steps towards your healing, however that doesn’t mean that you will not still be struggling with this. It’s a lot to overcome Remus, you need to allow yourself time to heal. Embracing the supports you have will help you along the way” Time and support, why does everything have to take so much fucking time and support. Hell if the supports are even fucking helping, only thing that actually felt like it helped was from someone who didn’t even know his fucking name a month ago.

“Do my supports have to be so damn annoying?” For all his awful annoying prat ways, Sirius did actually fucking help. God that’s awful to admit, even just fucking growling at people who said shit about him, it fucking helped.. how the fuck does Black know how to help him, and why when no one else is making any kind of difference why is Black helping him open up about this? How the fuck does Black even have a clue what happened?

“I will speak to Mr. Black, should you allow him to resume his duties”

“How does he know? I didn’t tell anyone besides Lily and she sure as shit wouldn’t have told Black, she’s pissed I picked Black as it is. Hates him actually.. I’m pretty sure Aaron didn’t go around bragging before he was expelled”

“I don’t know Remus, It is something I would also like to find out. Perhaps Mr. Black would be more open to revealing such things to you than to a counsellor” She looks just as confused as he is, strange. Sirius is probably giving her a hard fucking time, but he’s not about to help Sirius with whatever the hell he actually knows about this. He’s got enough to fucking deal with. Still it is kind of nice to have someone who might or might not kind of understand. As annoying as that person fundamentally is.

“Fine he can stay, but only until I figure that out. He can fuck right off after that”

“Are you sure your comfortable with that?”

“I’m not really comfortable with any of this Miss Summers, but I need to know” He does need to know, so many damn things. How Black knows about him, how on earth he could understand, why the hell he won’t leave him alone.. so many damn things that can only be found out by stupid fucking talking to stupid fucking Sirius Black.

“Very well, I will still remind him of the rules. I think this is the right decision Remus”

“yeah fine, can I go?”

“Yes Remus, have a lovely night”

“Night Miss Summers" Well at least this session wasn’t half as damn terrible as last weeks, small wins right? Great now he’s actually going to have to talk to the most annoying person alive.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hello all! I hope the emotions aren't too erratic. I do want the emotions to be erratic and up and down, really all over the place, because mentally so are they. Anyways I'll shut up now, hope you guys enjoyed it and it reads well for the story -Myka


	18. Sirius Black – Session #8

Good evening Sirius, please take a seat

“Evening ma'am!” he probably sounded way too happy considering that this was counselling and he loathed counselling, but hell it had been a great week.

“How has your week been Sirius?” she asked looking pleased at him for his chipper attitude, probably a nice break from the usual whinny sods that grace her office.

“It's been pretty ace Miss Summers”

“Oh? Would you like to tell me about it?”

“Well, I've been doing my check ins with Remus. It's going splendidly! He talks to me now” he really can't help the grin that spreads across his face while talking about it. He's been thoroughly enjoying the check ins, it makes him feel like he's actually worth something, which is a feeling he thought had been beaten out of him.

“Ah, there is actually something I wanted to talk to you about regarding your check ins” she sounds hesitant, like she's afraid that she is about to break him. She better not try to stop his check ins! He's making progress and he knows it.

“Carry on then” he mimics her as he says it, still not entirely over her telling him the kid was fine to be perfectly honest.

“I've heard that perhaps you have been visiting a fair bit more often then agreed upon?” she says it like a question, even though it obviously isn't. He knows that she knows he's been visiting far more then they agreed to but he couldn't really care less, he's got plans.

“Yup! Too right Miss, and it's working”

“Sirius, we have set rules for a reason, we don't want to push Mr. Lupin out of his comfort zone” she sounds strict and unwavering in her conviction that the rules set in place should be 100% followed. Only thing is she's wrong, he knows what he's doing and it's working.

“Well Miss, I think you'll find that my way is proving more effective, Remus is talking to me” okay so talking is going a bit far, he's mostly just yelling, but it's a step in the direction of talking and it fills him with so much joy every time he walks in the room now the kid says 'fuck off Black' and he's absolutely giddy about it. Even Peter is noticing the odd amount of happiness he's getting from being yelled at by someone they hardly know and Peter hardly notices anything.

“Sirius, you are not to try to fix Mr. Lupin, this is not something you should be playing around with. I'm afraid if you can't follow the rules involved in this then I will have to put a stop on your involvement” She’s honestly trying to take this away from him? How can she not see that he’s doing what’s best? Plus, it's making him happy, doesn't that count for anything? No, she's not taking this away, he was fucking happy when he walked through those doors. How can she crush that so quickly?

“Fat fucking chance lady! Thing is, now I'm involved and good luck stopping me from being involved. It's funny that you think you can, you don't know shit. Twice a day, that's what you want? Hilarious! Do you know what you can do in the time between twice daily visits? Fuck do you even care about the kid? Cause I'm really not seeing it” He kind of spit that out at her, but she deserved the tone. Really, could she not see that he was making progress? After all he’s the only one actually trying to help. No one else seemed to be doing shit all for the kid, fucking typical of this damn school. Sure he loved being at school, school was always a fucking reprieve compared to being at home. However that didn’t take away from six fucking years of being here and no one saying shit all about mystery bruises and broken bones. No one here cares about fuck all except where the next cheque is coming from.

“I care Sirius, about not only for Mr. Lupin but for you. I am worried that you are projecting too much of your own traumas on to Mr. Lupin.” He can feel the anger bubbling inside him with her word, he can’t help it though he’s always been hot headed and her lies don’t help him any. Why the fuck does she hate him helping? It’s got to be a money thing, doesn’t it? She’s profiting off the poor kid, everyone knows she was hired after Lupin got hurt and that pisses him off like nothing else.

“Fuck off, you just don’t like me helping your little money grab! As long as he stays emotionally fucked up you’ve still got a job right? You’ve done nothing but try to stop me from helping him, then you tell bullshit lies about being glad I’m helping!”

“Sirius, please calm down. I’m not, nor have I ever been discouraging of your desire to help Mr. Lupin, in fact I would like to have you resume your check ins. I’m merely worried that your need to help could overwhelm not only Mr. Lupin’s but your own healing process” She’s placating him, her body language trying to remain impassive but her face is telling another story. Concern is written on her features, and until he saw it he hadn’t realized he’d been standing up again and shouting at her. He kind of deflated back into his seat embarrassed by his lack of control as she kept talking.

“We have strict rules in place for a good reason Sirius. I think Mr. Lupin and yourself could receive great gains from each other, however I will not hesitate to put a stop to the check ins should I feel they are causing you distress” She blew him away with that finish, what the fuck did that even mean? He isn’t the one who is needing help, these check ins are in no way for his support. He’s trying to remain calm even though she’s making it really fucking hard.

“I do not need help, I am not some charity case, I don’t have any fucking healing to be done, and none of this is causing me distress” Each word was said with spite and he enunciated each and every one at her. She apparently needs it spelled out for her, he is fine. Nothing is wrong in the world of Sirius Black except some psycho woman who keeps changing her mind on whether or not he gets to help someone who actually fucking needs it. Remus needs him, whether he sees it or not, he does not need Remus or her, he just knows how the kid feels. Very different from needing someone.

“Then tell me Sirius why you feel so strongly that you are the best choice to help Mr. Lupin?” She’s baiting him and he knows it, and he really shouldn’t rise to it but he’s mad, steaming fucking mad.

“Because I actually fucking understand what he’s going through, you don’t! I know he needs someone more than twice a fucking day for 5 fucking minutes. More than a teacher popping their stupid ass heads in at night to make sure he’s breathing! How can you not understand that, that doesn’t help?! He needs someone! Someone who won’t just leave him alone because he asks! Someone who’s there no matter how much he pushes them away!” He’s yelling again, but it’s true. The kid needs someone, and really it shouldn’t be him. It should be someone the kid knows and trust, but hell as much as James tries he really doesn’t understand the way he does. Shit no not James, Lily that’s who should be there. Regardless, no one is there for him, not the way he needs.

“He doesn’t have anyone okay? I watch I know, you all expect him to just get better on his own, you just take his word that he wants to be alone, and leave him to it. He doesn’t want to be alone.. he just doesn’t know how to ask for someone to stay” He hates himself for the lump he feels in his throat while he’s talking. Hates his stupid voice for the way it cracks. He really needs to stop letting Lupin effect him like this. Still he feels it every time he looks into those eyes. He can feel the desperation in Lupin’s voice when he tells him to fuck off, he can hear the unspoken ‘Please stay’.

“Do you know how to ask someone to stay Sirius?”

“No” He doesn’t know why that leaves his mouth. Why he admits that, but he supposes it’s better to have admitted that than to have actually admitted he wants someone to stay anyhow, without him having to ask.

“Sirius, can we stop pretending we’re talking about Mr. Lupin now?” She blurts out like she’s on to something, she’s not on to shit. This is about Remus, only about how Remus needs him, he doesn’t need Remus. He isn’t desperate for that connection, for someone who might understand how badly he’s hurting. Who might understand what it’s like to feel that small and worthless all the time. He doesn’t need that, no it’s Remus who needs that.

“I don’t know what you’re getting at Miss. Summers, I’m fine. Better than. I told you, I’m over it. Best fucking time of my life right?” He really wished this came out of his mouth the cocky bullshit way it was supposed to, but no he can’t even play his part well. He’s supposed to be Sirius fucking Black and being so does not come with showing all these bullshit emotions in his voice. Too damn emotional, Mom always said ‘you can’t even get that right. Useless fucking garbage child, never stops fucking sniveling, give him the belt Orion, teach him how Black’s behave’

“Sirius I need you to listen to me, There is zero shame in suffering, zero shame in not being okay. You are allowed to hurt, even if you’ve been told your not. If my suspicions regarding your family are correct, then yes you may be proud to be different, and yes you have come a long way, but that doesn’t stop the hurt, it doesn’t stop their words and actions from affecting you. You don’t need to be ashamed of that”

“I’m leaving now Miss Summers” he couldn't take this, it’s too much. Screw the fact that he'd barely spent 20 minutes here this week. It's always back to his family and he just wants them gone, erased from his thoughts, not spoken about, ever. 

“Stay safe Sirius, come to me if you need anything. You may continue your check ins for now” She saying as he’s already half way out the door and maybe it’s the genuine sound in her voice, or the now present lump in his throat, he doesn’t really know but he feels the need to add something as he leaves.

“Whatever your suspicions are Miss Summers, double them and yes I’m ashamed.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry this took so long, no excuses just sorry! - Myka


	19. Remus Lupin - Session #13 Dorm room

“Come in” it’s his voice that says it this time, he’s the one welcoming her in, though not overly welcomed. He failed today, no class, no dining hall, no library and he was hoping for no counselling. Yet the knocking on his door and her cheery yet frantic call of his name has clearly implied that it’s not going to be that easy to bunk off his counselling.

“Remus, why have you not come to your session?”

“Good evening Miss Summers, Please take a seat” He’s aware that this is an asshole thing to say and in no way an answer to her question but hell if she can’t gather his mood by looking at him wrapped up on his bed then she’s asking for it.

“Remus, did something happen?” She asks clearing off the chair beside his bed, which is quite a feat in his messy ass room, especially considering it is currently filled to the brim with Sirius’ ‘if you’re going to stay in bed all day then you’ll be needing this shit’ shit.

“I want to go home” He’s whispering it into his blankets and he’s not sure she’ll have even heard. It doesn’t matter anyways because his parents made it absolutely clear that it wasn’t an option, not after all he’d sacrificed to get here, but dammit he wants his mum! It’s pathetic because he’s a grown ass teenager but he wants his mummy like a toddler after a bad nightmare. Yesterday had been a damn nightmare to be fair, and he’s scared, fucking scared and he wants his mum.

“I know your parents have expressed their desire for you to finish your schooling without any extended time off, but perhaps we could arrange a weekend visit?”

“My dad wouldn’t want that, he doesn’t know what to do with me. He was still trying to wrap his head around the whole poof thing” He doesn’t mean to throw his dad under the bus or anything, he knows his dad loves him but he’s still not exactly handling this well. No going home isn’t really a choice, no matter how much he wants his mummy. If he wants to leave he’d have to drop out and if he does that he might as well start sucking dick on a street corner because he sure as hell won’t be welcome home.

“Remus, your parents have both expressed a great desire to do whatever is best for your mental well being, if you need to spend some time at home with them I’m certain they would welcome you with open arms” She’s probably right, but that doesn’t mean it won’t be awkward as all fuck. Plus he shouldn’t need his Mum, he’s not a child. After yesterdays bullshit however all he wants is to be held by his mum and to know he’s safe, but that’s not possible. he’s a useless fucking nobody who can’t even get over shit without his mum.

“I’m fine”

“Remus, skipping class and your appointment isn’t indicating to me that you are fine. Did something happen?”

“No, nothing happened.. I’m just having a bad day” Obviously a lie, and not really very convincing but like most things he just doesn’t want to talk about it. Not that he’ll really have a choice, nothing ever gets to be his choice anymore.

“Remus, I can try to help if your willing to tell me what’s going on” She needs to stop this because he can feel tears starting in his eyes and he doesn’t want to cry, he hasn’t cried since. This is a dumb ass reason to cry. He’s getting angry now, angry again at himself for actually getting all fucking worked up over things that don’t matter. It can’t matter because he doesn’t fucking matter, so fucking what if he gets hurt again, isn’t that what he’s good for? 

“You can’t help shit! And nothing happened!”

“Bullshit it didn’t” That’s not Miss. Summers voice, fuck that voice really shouldn’t be here right now. Then again when was it’s owner ever where he should be, when he should be?

“Are you fucking serious right now Black?!” Jesus fucking Christ, if today could’ve gotten any worse well it just fucking did. Last thing he needs is Black interrupting his fucking counselling on top of everything else. Really he should be more than pissed off that Black is here now. He’d kicked Black out over an hour ago with the lie that he’d be going to counselling, but apparently he hadn’t gone far if he was ready to make some grand entrance the second he yelled. Thank fuck, goddammit he hates it but he was so damn grateful Black hadn’t listened.

“Can’t really fuck myself, well not technically at least” Of course, because the last 60 fucking name puns weren’t nearly enough.

“Fuck off Black” What else could he really actually say, at least he knew Sirius wouldn’t actually listen to him. It’s not like he can just say ‘Please don’t leave, cause I’m shitting my pants right now and even though I hate you, you make me feel safe and if you don’t stay then I’m going to break down and beg for my mum like the useless piece of garbage I am’

“Sure, but after you admit something happened. Fucker deserves to be expelled for that shit”

“Go away Black! I’m in the middle of my fucking counselling session, you shouldn’t be here!” Please stay, please don’t listen, just stay.

“Fancy that, I seem to recall that your session should have been done by now, and this appears to be your dorm room. Fuck knows your posters of old dead white dudes are awfully jolly, but I’m not quite sure they are any disguise for Miss. Summers’ motivational posters” 

“Make him leave please” He’s telling Miss. Summers now, because he can’t just not for some damn reason. His stupid fucking useless brain can’t even muster up the words he actually wants to say, so it goes for the exact fucking opposite. It’s honestly the lowest he’s probably ever been, because he really desperately wants Sirius to stay. 

“Sirius, This is a private session. I’d appreciate it if you’d take your leave without any trouble”

“I will, I will. After he tells you what happened, cause that pertains to me, so truly I should be here for it” Sirius is fucking waving her off as he speaks, like he’s king of the fucking world and she’s a mere nuisance to him. God Black’s so damn infuriating, demanding to fucking stay until he spills everything to her, like he has any right to be here. Why is he so fucking angry at him for staying when he’d probably be a wreck if he actually left? Fucking worthless, can’t damn well even make up his own mind.

“Only if Remus agrees to that, and only if Remus is willing to discuss what happened”

“Whatever. But fuck face here has to tell you, I’m not fucking talking about it” Couldn’t talk about it to be more accurate, would break down into a slobbering mess if he actually had to talk about it.

“Language Lupin, that’s no way to talk to a lady” 

“Fuck off Black, if you’re not going to tell her then leave”

“Yeah, no.. I’ll tell her” Sirius actually sounds fluster, like this is somehow going to effect him, wringing his hands and pacing like it’s some form of torture. Fuck him though, he interrupted his damn session and refused to leave like he’s not the invader. Least Black could do is spare him from having to talk about this. 

“What happened Sirius?”

“Mulciber happened, Didn’t he? Felt like running his big mouth again, got a damn good beating for it too” God Sirius’ record must be as dark as his surname if he just goes around admitting to every fight he has, which is a lot of fights. Especially since he started his savior routine, most of which pisses him off but this one was justified and thank fuck for Sirius following him around like a puppy this time, only this one time though. Well maybe since too, but he’d never admit that.

“Sirius” Her disappointment is palpable, and yeah Black is definitely going to get in trouble for this.

“Miss. I think you’ll find that my fists were exactly what that wanker deserved, if you’d just let me finish”

“What did he say to deserve it?”

“Mulciber told Remus here that he, well, uh.. God how do I say that?” Black, honest to god looks like he’s going to puke if he has to continue. It’s the strangest thing really because he’s Sirius Black, he doesn’t ever act flustered or confused like this, Blacks got confidence oozing from ever pore. Yet here he is pacing in front of him like he’s going to lose it if he has to repeat the words. It doesn’t make sense that Black is so damn upset about it, after all isn’t that his value? Isn’t that his only use now? He doesn’t know why he can’t just let Black suffer, he doesn’t want to say it even more but Black looks like he might actually kill someone if he has to speak the words.

“He told me he would bugger me up harder than Aaron did, if he ever caught me alone” The words rushed from his mouth, he hoping if he just said it quickly he wouldn’t break down. He shouldn’t be getting so worked up about it really, Mulciber could have just meant that he’d beat the crap out of him, be he can’t be sure. Mulciber has been making crude jokes at him since the holidays ended and he knows Aaron’s mother is friends with the Mulcibers. So he’s gone with fucking terrified, scared to leave his damn room, scared what might have happened if Sirius wasn’t always around. Though he shouldn’t even care right? Even if Mulciber had meant it that way, he doesn’t matter so this shouldn’t be effecting him.

“See! Fucker deserves to be expelled! You can’t let him get away with that shit, if you don’t do something I fucking will! I’ll ground his fucking head into the pavement again!” Sirius is fucking exploding in front of him, acting like the threat was some kind of affront on him. It’s kind of frightening to watch him go so suddenly from 0 to 100.

“Sirius, relax. Mr. Mulciber’s threats will be taken very seriously, I assure you”

“They better damn well be, or I swear to fuck I’ll kick his ass into the ground”

‘Sirius”

“Yeah, yeah, violence is never the answer, but it was oh so satisfying to smash his face into the pavement, over and over and over” He couldn’t believe what he was hearing, and really couldn’t stop the laugh from coming out of his mouth, Sirius was just completely digging his own grave without giving any shits. He had to confess it was kind of endearing. 

“I’m going to suggest you take your leave now Sirius, we will talk about the violence at a later time, however right now I am here to speak to Remus” He’s kind of panicking at her words, he doesn’t want to talk about this anymore, he’s tired of feeling so damn shitty. He just wants to be able to listen to Black rant and rave and smile at his stupid fucking antics and he really, really doesn’t want Black to leave.

“Could we not? I don’t want to talk anymore” 

“If you’re sure you’ll be alright, then yes that’s fine”

“I’m fine”

“Alright Remus, I will see you later” She’s leaving, gathering her stuff and leaving and that’s perfectly fine, but Black is head down shuffling behind her to leave as well and that’s really not okay. He’s sort of starting to freak out about it, which is completely idiotic. He has to do something though.

“Black”

“Yeah?”

“Stay?” God he’s an idiot, why the fuck did he ask that? Really losing his goddamn mind. Sirius’ shit eating grin as he sits down where Miss. Summers was is punishment enough for his lunacy, he doesn’t need Miss. Summers strange smile faced at him also.

“Have a wonderful evening boys”


	20. Sirius Black – Session #9

“Good evening Sirius, Please take a seat” She’s looking at him oddly as she speaks, as he just burst into her office probably panting a bit from his run down here. 

“Um, well, thing is I really can’t stay today Ma’am, just came to tell you that so you didn’t send Filch to fetch me again” That and Remus kicked him out, like actually physically pushed him out of the room telling him he had to go to counselling to deal with his need to constantly annoy him. Would have been quite funny really had he not been so focused on the fact that Remus Lupin was willingly touching him. 

“Why can you not stay today Sirius?” 

“I think that’s pretty obvious don’t you?” Daft woman, of course he can’t actually be leaving Remus alone right now. He’d run all the way here and planned to run straight back and tell Remus that Miss. Summers didn’t need to see him today.

“I’m guessing something to do with Mr. Lupin”

“Nail, Head. Now if you’ll excuse me” 

“Sit down Sirius, tell me what you’re so anxious about” He was already partially out the door by the time her words come. Damn Miss. Summers, this is practically her fault least she could do is let him off counselling. Seeing as she can’t even take his advice on having Mulciber expelled.

“I’m not anxious, but he’s alone right now so I need to leave” He’s not even fucking close to anxious, he just doesn’t want the kid to be alone, that’s perfectly fucking normal considering the situation.

“Sirius, I’m sure Mr. Lupin is quite capable of being alone for one hour”

“Capable? sure, safe? Not particularly. Seeing as you haven’t even had Mulciber expelled, for all I fucking know he could be waiting until I leave Remus alone” Does everyone have to act like he’s crazy for actually wanting to help someone? Hell at least with James he doesn’t have a clue why, Miss. Summers should fucking know. James has been acting like he’s lost his goddamn mind and he’s still somehow more supportive than her. Pissed at him for not sharing what was on the file sure, but not trying to drag him away from helping Remus, hell James even threw a punch or two in support. Then again James always thought Remus seemed cool, that is once he found out Remus was gay and not after Lily. No he was the sick fuck who had wanted to revel in the kid's pain, James had only gone along with it to get him to go to counselling. 

“Disciplinary action has been taken against Mr. Mulciber for his threats, I assure you that Mr. Lupin’s well being is being looked after by the appropriate staff members” She’s back to her same fucking laughable excuses. Most staff members are too fucking busy gossiping about each others sex lives to give a flying fuck about anyone but them selves. McGonagall might, she been the only fucking staff member to ever try to help him. Regardless McGonagall can't help Remus, not the way he can.

“The staff members don’t do shit”

“Sirius, we discussed this last week, Mr. Lupin’s safety is not your responsibility”

“I believe I commented on the useless job you all were doing then too. Plus I’m making progress with him! He talks to me now, not even yelling half the time, and you heard him laugh yesterday!” Honestly woman what is her damage? He’s the one actually trying to help so why the fuck is she not just letting him get on with it? She had clearly been there yesterday, fucking kid is opening up, laughing at him, talking, asking him to stay. God asking him to stay, funny how one word from Remus had him wanting to jump up and down with joy. He couldn’t even wipe the grin off his face long after Remus fell asleep. 

“It’s not Mr. Lupin’s progress that has me concerned” What the fuck is she on about now, this is getting fucking tiresome, he just wants to go sit beside Remus making sure he’s safe and probably try to make him laugh again. This is bullshit.

“Then what the fuck are you concerned about? I’m good, all is good in my world. Except you’re being a massive bitch who won’t let me protect someone who clearly needs me”

“I’m concerned about you Sirius, in all of our sessions you have refused to speak about anything except Mr. Lupin” Fuck off, he’s not just talked about Remus! He’s talked about other things, she won’t let him not. It’s a bunch of shit, all she wants is for him to give her that damn sob story about his family, she’s fucking wet for it. 

“Thought you said we were pretending to talk about Remus. Stop spinning shit Miss. Summers, if you want to know something just ask, so I can leave” Honestly Remus is completely fucking alone, and he’s damn well stuck here until he spews all his fucking secrets. He doesn’t want to fucking talk about them, how fucking clear does he have to make that. He doesn’t want to feel the way talking about them makes him feel, but Remus with his scared eyes, is all by himself. What if she’s talking and the kid gets hurt again? Why does it feel like that would break him to pieces? Fine she can fucking have it, the whole damn sob story.

“Why don’t you tell me about your winter break? Did you spend it with the Potter’s?” Why the hell won’t she just fucking ask? get it over with. Stop forcing him to be here to talk about shit that isn’t even what she wants to know. Let him get back to sitting with the kid, making Remus feel safe. Ask then leave him the fuck alone to help Remus, so he can feel like he’s actually worth something.

“Yeah, I did, but that’s still spinning shit, just fucking ask what you want to ask”

“Right now Sirius, I’d just like to discuss your holidays with the Potter’s, unless there is something else you’d like to talk about?” Fucking bullshit! She really won’t just spare him from having to bring it up, this is goddamn torture. That’s what it is isn’t it, she wants him to break, she knows if he has talk about it he’s going to fucking shatter. Sirius fucking Black the most inadequate and disgraceful member of the house of Black, weeping in a counsellors office. Oh how mother would love to hear that.

“No, you want to know why I’m living with them don’t you?”

“If you’d like to discuss why then by all means, however there is no pressure to” No pressure, sure. No pressure but he won’t be leaving until he tells her. No pressure but he can’t even spend his time fucking helping someone who needs it without scrutiny until she knows how big of a god damn fucking mess he is.

“I’ve already told you like 20 fucking times, my parents are assholes”

“Yes, but I assumed that was not a recent development. Something prompted you to move out during last summer” She looks like she doesn’t honestly want to be talking about this, sounds like she wants to bring the topic somewhere different for some fucking reason. Probably wants to drag this on longer and longer so that he’s a complete wreck by the time he tells her. Also moved out is some fucking choice words for it.

“I didn’t move out, I was kicked out. I told you already, they found out I shagged men and they kicked my ass to the curb, not that I wasn’t halfway out the fucking door as it was. Jesus fuck Miss Summers just ask the real fucking question” He can feel it festering, rotting inside him. Just ask the fucking question already. Have it done with, break him, make him feel like the piece of shit he is.

“For right now, I think perhaps just talking about something more neutral like your holidays would be a good start. Could we talk about that?” Is she for real? 

“For fucks sake, that’s not the questions you want to know, not really. I’ll fucking ask them for you then shall I?” Something inside him feels like it’s fucking exploding and he just has to get this done with now because his heart is about to fucking rip from his body and he’s yelling so damn loudly half the fucking school can probably hear him.

“Did they beat you Sirius?! Were you not a good enough heir to the Black family?! Could your own Mum never love you? Is that what you want to ask Miss. Summers?!” his heart is going a million miles per minute as he yells and it’s honestly horrifying. He can feel them, they’re here yelling at him, hitting him and he’s so small and can’t fight back. Dad’s got his hands around his throat and he can’t breath, can’t fucking breath.

“Sirius listen to my voice okay? Just relax, it’s all right. Just breath, deep breaths, concentrate on your breathing” He can hear Miss Summers voice but she’s not with him. He’s with them and Mum is holding his head under the bath water again and it’s too long, too damn long without air. He’s going to die this time isn’t he? James is going to be devastated and Remus, Remus is going to be alone again. God he’s going to die if he doesn’t get air right now.

“you are in my office right now, at school, you’re safe. Breath Sirius, just breath, you’re safe” He’s pulling air in now and things are starting to return to his vision, his parents are starting to fade with each gasping breath.

“That’s it, you’re doing so well, I’m proud of you” What? What is he doing well? Why is she proud? What the fuck just happened? Oh god just breath. Calm the fuck down.

“Is there anything I can get for you to help?” Get for him? What? Why the fuck is he on the floor. Oh fuck! No, no, no! That didn’t just happen, no fucking way. Oh fucking fuck.

“Have you had panic attacks in the past Sirius?”

“No, I don’t, It’s not, not a panic attack.” His voice is barely a croak but loud enough to his own ears that he can hear the tears in it. Did he just? He couldn’t have, not here, no. Fuck not in front of Miss Summers. He needs to leave, has to run, just fucking run. 

Remus! He has to get to Remus right fucking now.

“It’s okay Sirius, we don’t need to talk about it right now”

“I have to.. uh, Remus needs me” Thank fucking god his body is obeying and he’s running, running as fast as he fucking can. Running to Remus.


	21. Sirius Black & Remus Lupin - Notes filed under R. Lupin

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Additional warnings I suppose, again this whole thing is a trigger warning but yeah. Hope you guys like this chapter! - Myka

“Come in” Miss Summers’ voice is calling as he knocks on the door and he really can’t believe he’s here knocking of this door three days after his own session was so rudely interrupted by the massive idiot standing behind him. He really can’t believe he’s here for said idiot.

“Miss Summers? Are you busy?”

“No Remus, come in, take a seat” 

“I’m not alone” He’s opening her door so she can see the giant buffoon cowering behind him like a petulant toddler.

“You are both welcome to come in and take a seat” She informs them and he follows suit or he would had if the idiot had actually made any steps forward instead of staring off into space like he can ignore this whole thing if he stares hard enough at the ceiling. Fucking idiot isn’t about to get out of this even if it means he has to pull him into this office himself and shove his ass into a chair, so that’s exactly what he does.

“Sirius, I have been trying to get a hold of you. I’m glad to see you here, both of you”

He feels like grabbing Sirius and shaking him until he drops the act as Sirius mumbles and whispers under his breath beside him. He’s learning quickly how much of Sirius Black is an act, a carefully designed act to prevent anyone from seeing the person who came tumbling into his dorm two days ago. Everything right now is hard enough for him without having to deal with this, the fucking least Sirius could do is make this easier. He forced him to come with him as it was.

“What brings you boys here today?”

“Coercion, he forced me” Sirius is grumbling while giving him a look that one could only describe as pouty, like a child being forced to eat a vegetable they dislike. Of fucking course Sirius was making it out like he hadn't been the one who refused to come without him with him. This whole situation is fucking crazy, if someone told him not two weeks ago that he’d be willingly sitting in a counsellors office side by side with Sirius, he’d have thought they’d lost their goddamn minds. 

“If you don’t stop being a massive berk I’m going to leave” Of course he’s comment doesn’t have the desired effect as a massive cocky smile fills Sirius’ face.

“By all means, lets!”

“Where I will lock my dorm room door and put on headphones so I can’t hear you knocking”

“Bold of you to assume that I can’t pick a lock” Sirius is smirking at him like he just won some kind of game, but honestly his words make him feel sick. He’d really assumed that behind locked doors no one could bother him, he’d be safe. Sirius’ words make him feel like an idiot for thinking that. If this wanker could so easily enter his room, who else could? 

“Oh shit! Sorry Rem, thing is it’s really difficult and most people can’t do it I swear! Plus I’m safe, if I picked your lock you’d be fine cause I’m safe” He’d always fancied himself rather good at keeping his emotions off his expression so he’s surprised at how quickly Sirius read him. He’s not worried about Sirius though, well not in that way. Sirius has done nothing but make him feel safe since he decided he was going to be a part of his life as annoying as he is to achieve this, he at least always felt safe. Anyways they aren’t here for him, their here for Sirius.

“It’s fine Sirius. Talk to Miss Summers and I’ll stay” That had been the deal anyways, He refused to come with him unless Sirius agreed to talk. After Sirius finally told him what happened, he’d been trying to get Sirius to go since. Not just him though, James bloody Potter had shown up to his dorm room and dragged Sirius out this morning, only for them to return and Sirius announcing that he’s only go if he accompanied him. Having Sirius around was turning into a fuck ton of work, work he’s not sure he’s entirely comfortable with. Hell who's he kidding he's entirely uncomfortable with this, actually with everything right now. It's all too much to handle.

“Boys, I take it there is a reason you’ve come here?” Miss Summers is breaking her unusually long silent watch of them.

“I told you, he made me”

“Sirius, fucking answer her”

“Ugh fine! I’m sorry I yelled at you and ran out of here. Happy now Remus?” Sirius may be apologizing to Miss Summers but his gaze never left him, just stayed staring straight into him. It’s wild how unnerving Sirius’ stare is, it always makes him feel so odd, like he’s trying to figure out every aspect of his being, but still somehow comforting like he’s telepathically giving him some of his own bravery.

“No, you need to talk to her” This is probably one of the most hypocritical things he’s ever said. To be fair he’s echoing Sirius’ words from his own session, and Sirius doesn’t know that he generally refuses to talk to the woman most of the time.

“Sirius, perhaps our conversation would be more easy for you should we have it alone”

“No, Remus said he’d stay. I want him to stay”

“Look I’ll talk about it this one fucking time, then I don’t want to ever talk about it again, yeah?”

“Sirius I urge you not to push yourself too far again”

“Hell no, I’m not talking about them. I’m talking about my bullshit freak out, freaking the freak. You know?” he can’t help the curiosity that builds every time Sirius drops some hint that his act, is really just that, that he might have a ‘them’ to talk about. Fuck please don’t let it turn out that Sirius was raped. He knows Sirius is just following and talking to him because he feels pity towards him, and he damn well knows Sirius knows exactly what happened and the fact that Sirius won’t tell him how he knows royally fucking pisses him off. However it’s been made fairly obvious that Sirius actually understands quite a bit of what he’s going through and that thought sickens him, brings bile up into the back of his throat where it burns until these thoughts go away.

“it’s fine Sirius, I was just concerned for you. Has that happened before?”

“Nah, just a one time thing, no big deal” Sirius is telling her but something in his eyes tells him that this is a lie. Sirius had only sort of explained what happened, he got mad that she wouldn’t let him leave his counselling to resume his guard and he freaked out at her. That was what Sirius told him, but it had clearly been a small fraction of the truth, he’d known that from Sirius’ expression when he returned to his dorm and the frantic breathing that accompanied it. Sirius was obviously having some sort of panic attack and it seems from his expression now that it certainly wasn’t the first time.

“You don’t have to look at me like that, it’s really not something that happens to me” He must have been looking at Sirius like he didn’t believe a word he was say because he’s saying this to him not to Miss Summers. He still doesn’t believe a fucking word of it. It’s fucking hilarious that Sirius thinks he can demand he tell the truth to her, but expects him to just let him lie. Fuck that.

“Stop lying, you’re not very good at it” Obviously not true, Sirius is a master liar, had he not gotten that small glimpse of him without his mask up he’d have no clue.

“Fuck fine, once before. When I moved in with James. That day and never again. So I’m good, just don’t make me do bullshit things and I won’t freak out, problem solved” He kind of snorted at this, but to be fair it’s ridiculous. He may be completely fucked up but at least he doesn’t believe his problems are magically fixed by avoiding them. Sure he still plans to avoid them, but he knows they aren’t being helped by it.

“Fuck off! Like your one to judge, like you fucking sit here and spout every damn thought that comes to your head!” This is exactly why he doesn’t understand Blacks need to harass him, every fucking time their together they yell at each other. God he’s so damn fucking annoying.

“I talk!”

“Bull fucking shit Lupin! You hardly even talk to your best mate!”

“I fucking talk! I talk to Miss Summer and Lily, I even fucking talk to you!” He doesn’t know why he’s even rising to Sirius’ shit, but it’s pissing him off. If anyone had been coerced into coming here it was him anyhow, he should just walk away if Black is going to be a dick not be yelling back at him but he’s so fucking infuriating!

“Your full of crap! You don’t talk, you yell or you sit quietly! Its aggravating you know, you don’t half let anyone get to know you”

“You don’t want to know me Black! You fucking pity me, you don’t give two fucking shits about me! Nothing in my life is any of your fucking business!” Fuck him, he can take his goddamn savior routine and force some other poor fucker to deal with his cocky ass self. Telling him he doesn’t fucking talk, acting like he actually wants to know him. It’s bullshit! He doesn’t fucking care about him, he just wants what ever other bloody person wants from him, a cheap fucking drama story.

“Boys I think it’d be best if you both took a deep breath and calmed down”

“No, I think it’d be fucking best if Lupin here stopped acting like a dick and realized that I’m trying to be his fucking friend and actually fucking talked to me!”

“You don’t want to be my friend Black! You hardly know me! You won’t even fucking tell me how you know what happened, some fucking friend! You don’t want me to talk Black, you want a cheap thrill out of me” His heart is hammering like crazy for how fucking pissed off he’s getting. Fuck all of this, why the hell was he allowing Black anywhere near him, he’s an egotistical moron who doesn’t give a shit about anyone but himself. It doesn’t fucking matter if Black has some experience with this, he’s just in this for some sort of game and he’s had enough.

“I’m not telling you because I don’t want to hurt you, like a friend” Black seems to have deflated now, but it’s too late, he’s too pissed. Everything has been so on edge inside him for too long now that he can’t just stuff it back down.

“You’re not my friend Black! You want to know what it felt like is that it? Want a good fucking story about how Loopy got fucked, so you can run and share it with Potter?”

“I don’t..”

“No! Want to know what it was like to be pinned underneath him, cause I still feel it all the fucking time! Hard to fucking describe though. No I know, you want to know if I bled when he stuck his dick inside me, well congratulations Black I did bleed! Or would you prefer to know how that was our first ‘date’. I guess you’ll be happy to know that I put out of the first..” He couldn’t finish yelling because he was suddenly grabbed and panic was welling up inside him. He was starting to fucking freak when those arms starting wrapping around him, but they didn’t hold tight like he expected. No they left escape room, they just circled his body and held him gently. So he froze stiff and unsure what to do, panic a mere second away, sitting at the base of his throat trying to decide whether to start hitting and screaming or to grab Sirius back and make his hug tighter and more complete.

“Shh, Rem, you’re safe with me. It’s okay, I don’t want a story from you. Shh. I really just want to be your friend” His decision made he allows his hands to not quite hug Sirius but grip onto the front of his shirt for dear life. Mentally willing Sirius’ arms to wrap tighter, hold him tighter. He’d forgotten how good it could feel to have someone touch him, hold him like this, and it doesn’t feel scary, it feels safe. He feels safe with Sirius’ arms loosely around him. 

“Why? No one wants to be friends with me” his voice has a certain raspy quality to it and shakes with the words, showing just how close his tears are to the surface. He won’t cry though, can’t cry. 

“Because you’re actually pretty cool, what can I say I like sweater wearing nerds with potty mouths” Sirius’ voice has a hint of laughter to it as he says that and his arms finally tighten around him now that he seems to realize he’s not going to break him with his hold.

They are just sitting there in complete silence with Sirius' arms wrapped around him. It's embarrassing how good this feels, how long he's actually been wanting to just be held like this to feel safe again with someone wrapped around him. So he allows his arms to return the hold finally.

“I think we should probably go now. Sorry about the freak out the other day Miss Summers, won’t happen again” Sirius breaks the silence in the room and his hold on him, both of which he really wants back the second they leave. He’s shaking like a leaf and he’s glad Sirius is handling the goodbyes because he doesn’t think he’d be able to speak right now his mind too overwhelmed with the sensation from the hug.

“You boys take care, come to me if you need anything, my door is always open”

“See ya Summers” Sirius says before holding out his hand for him to take, which he surprisingly does not hesitate to accept and leading him out.


	22. Sirius Black – Session #10

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> accidentally posted this with the wrong chapter title, mouses clicking wrong choices and all that. so sorry for any confusion this is a Sirius Chapter. - Myka

“Good Evening Sirius, Please take a seat” It’s truly a shame there is no theme music in real life because Miss Summers greetings deserve some kind of ominous tune to accompany them. Perhaps the Jaws theme as he always felt she’s eaten him alive by the time he left.

“Evening Summers”

“How was your week Sirius?”

“Yeah, it was good. Not much to tell”

“No, nothing interesting happen this week?” Her exaggeration on the word ‘interesting’ implies she’s obviously heard some shit, but for the life of him he can’t figure out what she could be referring too, it’d been a normal ass week. Stayed with Remus most of the time, Partied with James and Pete down at the pub, got into some shit with the guys, helped James’ newest attempt at wooing Lily. Basic normal week. Only thing that could be construed as interesting this week she should have no idea about, unless Remus was a hell of a lot more open about shit then he suspects.

“Don’t know what you’re getting at Miss Summers” It sounds a bit harsh but it’s not really, he just doesn’t want to out Remus if Remus didn’t tell her himself yesterday. 

“Nothing bad Sirius, I just heard about a certain banner” 

“Oh that, ah that’s nothing. Just one of James’ great attempts to get Lily to notice him, a complete failure as per usual” A complete and total failure that led James to getting a swift kick to a certain sensitive area by said female. Fine that’s good they can talk about that if she wants, safe territory, unlike with parents or the empty bottles he found under Remus’ bed. Although it is his duty to report his find to McGonagall or Summers he can’t bring himself to actually do that, he’d lose all the trust he’d build with Remus and that doesn’t feel like an option. Really it’s a complete non-option, even if he’s incredibly worried about him. Fuck, Remus is doing his head in. He shouldn’t be so damn worried about him all the time, it’s totally normal anyone their age to have a hidden stash anyways.

“It seems you got into quite a bit of trouble for your friend”

“That cause Jamesy is a bag of dicks, locked me up on the roof like the wanker he is” Fucking James, see if he helps him next time after the detention he got for ‘endangering his life scaling the side of the building, and defacing school property’. Remus had laughed so hard though at the story, hell maybe he would help James next time if it would make Remus laugh like that again. Fuck have to stop thinking about Remus like that. Since that hug though.. No they’re trying to be mates, don’t fuck this up.

“Hey Summers, can I ask you something?” Thinking about being friends with Remus has put this at the forefront of his mind again. It keeps coming up and Remus gets so fucking pissed off at him every time he avoids the topic. He can’t just up and tell Remus the truth, but hell maybe Miss Summers could actually help with this, if he doesn’t get expelled.

“Of course Sirius, anything you’d like”

“You can’t tell anyone anything I say right?” She’s always on about confidential, it’s got to have some benefit at least. 

“Only if it’s not something that is a danger to you or others, then no I can not tell anyone. However you are a minor so I am required to inform your headmaster of anything troubling”

“Such as?”

“Drugs, Alcohol, anything illegal. Why?”

“Shit, it’s probably pretty illegal” Isn’t half the shit he does boarding on illegal anyways. Only thing his surname was ever good for is getting out of illegal shit, does that count if your a disgraced heir?

“Well maybe you could tell me the general concept and I can inform you as to whether or not it is something I’d have to speak to the headmaster about?” 

“Alright, lets say someone hypothetically stole a file”

“Ah, Like Mr. Lupin’s counselling file?” ah shit, well he’s fucked. Then again if she knew then maybe not so fucked? Or maybe she’s waiting on confirmation, which he just fucking gave her. Fucking shit fuck.

“Oh fuck”

“Yes, well I think that ship has sailed Sirius. You may discuss it freely now” wait what? He’s not in a bunch of shit for that? Isn’t it like some massive fucking deal to steal and read confidential shit. Probably the Black thing, hell Black’s can get away with just about anything, murder, child abuse, whatever you name it a Black has done it and gotten off scot-free. Probably why their all so fucked up, no consequences and that, well the incest probably helps with that too.

“So I’m not in shit?”

“Let’s put it this way, by the time I had figured it out your actions following the theft were taken into account by myself and Professor Dumbledore” No fucking shit? She’s got to be kidding, he’s getting away with it because he was a decent fucking human? Shit that’s actually, well no one has ever let him off of something because he was. Fuck the thoughts aren’t even forming, it’s just so, well nice? Fuck what kind of a messed up motherfucker can’t cope with being commended for being a good person. 

“Aw, I always knew Dumbles was sweet on me. Anyways when did you figure it out?” Far better to deflect that to actually admit the sense of pride he feels at her words, just joke and move on. He is curious though, wonder if it took her ages, she certainly didn’t let on that she knew fuck all.

“Oh about Sunday when you mentioned picking locks”

“bit slow on the uptake Miss Summers” 

“Sirius, I take it there was a reason you brought this up?” Shit he’d completely forgotten about that, the reason not the action. The complicated bullshit reason that as much as he wracks his brain about he can’t come up with a solution. Choices seem to be limited to strictly unfavorable options: 1. Lie and possibly hurt Remus, 2. Tell the truth and definitely hurt Remus, or 3. Continue to avoid the question and lose Remus as a potential friend while hurting him. Not stellar choices, but he’s certainly leaning towards the first option.

“Well obviously. I don’t want to hurt him, but he keeps asking me how I know. Fuck if I tell him he’s going to be pissed” He really doesn’t want to hurt him, can’t tolerate the thought. Remus does something to his brain, fucks with it, screws with his sense of morality. He should just lie, but the way Rem yells at him for lying as it is, the hurt look every time he says he can’t tell him, it’s completely fucking him up inside. It’s not like it’d be a bad lie, he lies to James and Peter all the time to protect them, things like: Sure Pete, she is definitely into you, Of course James’ Lily just doesn’t want you to know how much she liked your gift. Isn’t this the same thing? A tiny little lie that spares his feelings, but Remus is so pissed at him for lying, which he hasn’t even, yet at least.

“But the thing is Sums, he says I’m not really his friend if I’m lying to him. Which is bullshit cause I’m not lying, just not answering”

“If an offense come out of the truth, better is it that the offense come than that the truth be concealed”

“Lord Summers, you spend too much time with Remus! You guys are starting to sound alike. I mean just yesterday he was telling me to not fall asleep gently or some shit like that. Regardless, I can’t just tell him, he’ll go apeshit at me” Funny thing is that so much of who he is and what he’s become is a lie, hidden in the truth. Even what he’s just said is like a game of two truths and a lie, She sounds like Remus spouting quotes at him: Truth, He can’t tell Remus because he’ll lose it and then they won’t be friends: Truth, He doesn’t know the exact quote and who it’s by and isn’t listening to Remus’ voice saying it over and over in his head: Lie. All things are so carefully disguised, perfectly designed to make him seem callous and flippant. Funny how he doesn’t want to be a Black, yet this lesson still sticks and still he is too emotional to be a Black, that’s clear by the lines still repeating in his head.  
‘Do not go gentle into that good night,  
Old age should burn and rave at close of day;  
Rage, rage against the dying of the light. 

Though wise men at their end know dark is right,  
Because their words had forked no lightning they  
Do not go gentle into that good night.’  
It's not the word though, it's Remus' voice, the passion in it, the way he recites it with his eyes shut like he's feeling each off the words deep inside. This does something to him, makes him this kind of a mess, emotional, far too fucking emotional. He's always been just far to emotional, just spectacular at hiding it behind his wit and a cheap smirk.

“It’s just a quote Sirius. I can not force you to tell the truth nor would I, however building a friendship on the foundation of a lie may not be the wisest course of action” Miss Summers voice startles him from his thoughts, and he almost jumps at the sound, barely heard her voice over the voice of Remus reciting his poem deep inside his mind. Still he catches the gist of it and though she may be right, does that cancel out the pain he’ll cause? Had he not minutes ago been so prideful of her words of complement towards his caring and support of Remus, now she is encouraging him to cause the kid pain?

“I’ll think about it”

“I think that’s a good idea”

“Hey Summers”

“Yes Sirius?”

“Thanks for not bringing up my freak out or my family” Maybe he’s just feeling exceptionally contemplative today, maybe it’s really all Remus’ fault with his poems and his quiet, maybe it’s just too much time spent not filling with mind up with thoughtless noise and juvenile pranks. It seems necessary though, he feels the need to thank her, he’s grateful honestly that neither of these topics were brought up.

“Not a problem Sirius. I do caution you that avoiding your feelings doesn’t make them go away, however everything here is at your own pace. When your ready to talk about it I am here for you”

“and if I’m never ready?” He can’t imagine it, never really picturing the words ever flowing freely from his mouth. Thing is they can’t, hands burnt into his mind forever keeping their grasp on his throat, choking back the words, choking him really. Still to this day he hasn’t really escaped them, they’re here with him telling him how wrong he is, telling him he’ll never be good enough, stifling the person he is, changing him. How could he say it? When all they’ve done is show him how cruel and horrifying the world can be? How can he admit that though he hates them and wants to be everything they aren’t, Still all he’s ever wanted was for them to love him.

“With all you’ve overcome Sirius, I have faith in you. I don’t have to be the person you open up to, I’m merely a helping hand and a judgment free ear. If you feel more comfortable sharing with someone else then that’s wonderful and I’m here to guide you along the way should you be willing to accept guidance”

“Yeah. Well, I should go. Promised Rem I’d introduce him to The Clash” That’s all he actually needs right now, noise, noise and a band that stands for everything his family hates. Fuck this contemplative shit he just needs some noise to drown it out, and a skinny nerd who’s slowly opening up to him to make him feel like he can do something right.

“Have a good night Sirius, if you need anything..”

“Yeah, Yeah your here. I know. See ya Sums”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I just wanted to put my little note in about Sirius Black and the band mentioned in this chapter. Now I love Bowie and Queen (incredibly with all my heart) but as a little punk who fights against the repression of his upbringing and The Clash having released their first album in '77 and headlining the Rock Against Racism concert the next year, I can't picture a more Sirius band. Anyways just my opinion totally cool if people don't agree with that, respect for all opinions. I just love the idea of Sirius rocking out to The Clash.
> 
> Miss Summers quote is by Thomas Hardy and Do Not Go Gentle Into The Goodnight is by Dylan Thomas
> 
> Hope you people like this chapter! - Myka


	23. Remus Lupin - Session #14

He was sat outside of Miss Summers office, his leg bouncing up and down incessantly like a junkie jonesing for their next fix. His usual Thursday appointment had been rescheduled until today, Saturday. The reason for the change was currently just beyond the door covered in motivational posters, probably sat in the same chair he usually occupied, talking away to Miss Summers, talking about him. This was terrible, really just the worst scenario he could imagine.

Fifteen bloody minutes, they’d been in there for fifteen bloody minutes already! The wait was killing him, but only for the reality that: One – They’re discussing him and his failure to ‘get over it’ and Two – Once they are done he will be expected to go in that room and talk to both of them. Better to just head in straight away and not have to sit around waiting and wondering what was about to happen. Better still to not even have to do this but with his midterm grades having plummeted in comparison to his usual standards, she had demanded this meeting with him and Miss Summers. 

This really was not fair, it’s not good fucking timing! He’d only just started getting comfortable with talking to Miss Summers, now they were piling this onto him? Just over a few lousy grades? Not even a bit fair. Sure, they had asked him, of course they asked him, but what choice did he have? He’d break her heart if he said no, and hell he’d done enough breaking of her heart lately. 

So here he was waiting for the hardest hour of his life to start. Well okay maybe not the hardest but definitely up there, one of the top ten shittiest moments for sure. Why? Because in that room talking about his incompetence as a human was not only Miss Summers but also the one person he is equal parts horrified and ecstatic to see.. Hope freaking Lupin.

God, how long has it been now? Seventeen minutes? That can’t be right, why is time passing so damn slowly? How much can they really need to talk about that it takes this damn long? Really it should have only been a couple of minutes, Mum would say ‘Gosh Miss Summers, Remus is really screwing up and if he doesn’t grow up and get over this like anyone else would in this scenario then Lyall and I will have to disown him. It’s so hard having a gay son, we can’t honestly be expected to support him if he fails out of school, we simply can’t have a broken, failure, shirt lifter of a son’  
and to this Miss Summers will probably spout some motivational crap and then admit that she’d tried but that he was hopeless as a human. All of which should only have taken a maximum 5-10 minutes.

22 minutes now, 22 bloody fucking minutes. He’s losing his goddamn mind now, he should’ve brought his trusty travel mug full of whisky for this.

“Remus, would you join us now?” Miss Summers is calling him in and suddenly it feels like it’s too quick, he really shouldn’t have been upset about the wait because once he steps through those doors he’s going to be in a form of absolute hell.

“Come here my Angel” His Mum is beckoning him into the room with her arms wide open for a hug and try as he likes he couldn’t deny her this. He’s surprised she’d even be offering at this point, he’s been such a let down lately, but still he finds himself melting into her arms. He hasn’t seen his Mum since those awful days following his hospital visit, where he spent 4 days locked in his room at home, avoiding his parents at all cost. Last he saw her in fact was the day she’d dropped him back off at school, he didn’t even say goodbye, just grabbed his stuff from the boot and walked away like an ungrateful asshole.

“Your Dad wanted to come, but you know how busy he’s been with work” She’s reciting her usual lies about his dad, who probably was sat at the local pub listening to his mates talk about their non-gay, non-damaged, football playing sons and wishing he could trade him for one of them. However it’s not the usual lie that effects him but the sound of her voice, rough and ragged like she’s been crying. Leaning his head back from her hold he could see her eyes matched her voice, bloodshot and still wet.

“What’s wrong Mum?”

“Never mind that Angel, sit, sit” She released her hold on him with that and already he’s craving it again. Fuck he’s such a child, but she smells like lavender and home and he needs that so much right now.

“Remus, as I’m sure you are aware your mother and I were just discussing your recovery and the steps you’ve been taking” Miss Summers leads her usual topic, though he’s certain it’s more of a lack of, and more specifically what that lack of is doing to his grades.

“I thought this was about my grades?”

“Not exclusively, however if you’d like to start with your education”

“I’ll do better from now on. There, are we done?” It’s a snarky reply, and he shouldn’t have, not with his mum here. He knows full well he’s going to get in shit for being snarky, worse yet he’s going to be further disappointing his mum by not wanting to be here.

“Remus! I’m sorry Miss Summer, he’s usually more polite than that”

“It’s not a problem Mrs. Lupin, Remus is free to express himself in this office”

“Be that as it may, I did not raise a rude boy. I certainly hope he is usually more respectful during your sessions” He’s pretty sure his mum doesn’t know what that means. It’d be pretty funny if it weren’t for the fact that she hasn’t looked at him since they sat down and she wasn’t talking like he’s not here.

“Not to worry, Remus is not rude during our sessions. The healing journey involves many emotions, and I’m glad for all of them to be expressed. Whether Remus wants to come here and talk or ask to leave for an hour, even if he just wants to yell and scream. It’s all a part of it. We’ve been making great strides in opening the lines of communication, haven’t we Remus?” At least Miss Summers isn’t acting like he’s not in the room, regardless of the fact that she probably just got him into trouble, it’s still nice to be acknowledged. After all they called him down for this, he could just be lounging in his room listening to Sirius ramble on about some Bowie song that’s taken his fancy, but no instead they decided to torture him.

“Sure”

“Goodness, he doesn’t yell and scream at you, does he?” Or maybe he won’t get in trouble, because Mum’s not about to actually speak to him. It’s been like this since the hospital, Mum talks to him briefly like he’s a baby. All ‘sweetie’ ‘love’ and ‘angel’ then off to speak to the adults. It’s sad how much he wants her to just yell at him, just fucking treat him like normal and stop acting like he’s broken, he may be broken but he doesn’t need them making him feel it constantly.

“It’s not an issue Mrs. Lupin, it’s healthy”

“It’s not my son. My son does not yell, he never has, even when he was small. How is it healthy that he is not being himself?” He can’t help but wonder if that’s how she feels, like he’s not her son anymore. Who would want a son like him anyways, weak, pathetic and a poofter.

“We all react to trauma in different ways, sometimes those ways can be outside of our typical behaviour. It does not make them wrong”

“I understand that, but I’d thought by now. Well it’s been months. Don’t get me wrong Miss Summers, I love my son more than anything in this world and I want to support him, I just don’t know how” God, fuck this. It’s obvious she thinks he’s the worlds biggest failure, he might as well fucking prove it.

“Stop it! Stop talking like I’m not here, I’m right here! If you want to help, then try talking to me!”

“Remus love, I’m sorry. I know you’re here angel” She’s still got that sickly sweet voice you’d use on a toddler, why can’t she just talk to him like normal? It’s not fair, he’s lost so much, why does he have to lose his relationship with his mum too?

“Then why don’t you talk to me and not Miss Summers, I thought you came here for me not to bitch about me, because I really don’t need to be here if that’s what you want to do”

“Of course I’m here for you, but the yelling and the language has me concerned Love, it’s not you” She’s right of course, he’s the one destroying their relationship. Fuck, he really can’t do anything right. Who the hell does he think he is yelling at his Mum when all he’s wanted for so long is to see her? 

“I’m sorry Mum, I’ll try to be better. I’m sorry I’m such a disappointment”

“No! No, my love you have never been a disappointment. Never. You hear me?” She’s looking at him with such a shocked expression, it must be hard for her to hear that he knows what a complete failure he is when she’s tried so hard to hide her feelings from him. He can’t really answer though because he knows it’s not true, he’s a complete fucking disappointment. So he just shrugs because what else can he really do.

“Remus is there something that makes you feel that way you’d like to discuss?” Miss Summers is head titling his way with her most sympathetic look plastered on her face. No reason to hide how he feels now though, Mum and Dad made it pretty clear they don’t want him around anymore.

“There isn’t really anything to talk about, I’m failing. I know I’m failing.. I’m sorry you guys got me for a son, I know you wish you had a different son”

“Angel, no. Your father and I love you more than anything, we wouldn’t trade you for the world” Mum’s grabbing his hand and guiding him towards her, but he can’t look at her, he can’t face her right now and still say what he feels. He hates hurting her too much.  
“Why would you think that?” 

“Well I’m not very, I don’t.. I guess first I’m different and quiet and weird, then, then I know dad was upset when I came out.. Now this, with Aaron and I should be over it and not upsetting you guys, but I keep failing. I’m a failure” He can feel his eyes threatening tears, he’s getting a bit choked up too. It’s funny how hard it is to tell his mum how useless he is, it really shouldn’t be this hard, she deserves to know that her son is completely worthless. 

“Remus, were hurting for you not because of you! Somebody hurt you Angel, we hate that we can’t do anything to make that better. However you have never failed us, not once. Neither of us are upset you are gay, and I don’t want to ever hear you call yourself a failure”

“Then why’d you kick me out?” It’s kind of out of his mouth before he even thinks about it, it’s been on his mind for so long. He was so mad the day they brought him back to school. Made it pretty damn clear that his grades were the only thing they cared about, his grades were the only thing keeping them from giving up on him and now he’s failing even that. 

“We didn’t kick you out”

“You did! I wasn’t ready to come back to school, I was scared of everything and I just wanted to stay home with you! But you sent me back and I just had to try and get over it alone” He can feel the tears finally streaming down his face now, because he just wanted his mum. It’s so fucking stupid but all he had wanted was to stay home for a little bit and feel safe with his mum and they told him no, sent him back to the place where he was hurt after one fucking week.

“Oh love. I’m so sorry. We aren’t perfect Remus, we didn’t know how to help you, you were so angry, we thought maybe the supports at school would help you best” His mum’s arms are back around him now, holding him so tightly and she’s shushing into his hair. He hadn’t actually realized he was sobbing until he heard her small ‘shh’. This shouldn’t be making him cry so damn much, he really hasn’t cried since. But it’s his mum and she’s here, finally holding him and she smells like lavender and home.

“Miss Summers, could you have someone send Remus’ school work to us? I’m taking my son home”

“Of course Mrs. Lupin. I will send you home with the paperwork we discussed earlier”

“Thank you for everything you’ve done for Remus” He had barely registered what they said before that but once his mum said that it clicked, She’s taking him away, and not for a visit. He can’t go home not now! Dad’s going to be so awkward around him, and they’ll be so mad about his grades. He’s finally starting to feel safe! Now they’re pulling him out of school? What about Lily and Sirius? He’ll never see Sirius again! Why now? Why not before he started to rebuild his life here? What about Sirius? If they thought he was broken, they should damn well meet Sirius. No he can’t go home now, it’s not fair!

“Mum, I don’t want to drop out! I’ll do better I promise!”

“It’s not forever Angel, just the school year. We’ll arrange to have all your work sent home so you don’t fall behind” 

“No. Don’t I get a choice? I want to stay here, I wasn’t ready before but I am now. I need to stay here! Sirius needs me!”

“Sirius?” Oh no Mum looks mad at that, suppose the last guy he mentioned to her was Aaron so it’s sort of fair. But Sirius isn’t Aaron, in fact they couldn’t be more different. Plus it’s not like that, Sirius is just a friend, a friend who is obviously suffering through something. This actually was something that had only become clear to him two days ago when he had found Sirius beating the crap out of a wall and screaming something about his brother. Regardless it became clear, Sirius needed him.

“Oh, ah, just a friend who’s going through some stuff”

“Remus, I don’t like the idea of you putting someone else’s welfare ahead of your own”

“I’m not, I swear! He helps me. Please Mum?”

“I hate to butt in Mrs. Lupin however Mr. Black is a fine young man and he’s been a great support to Remus. Perhaps as we discussed earlier, we should leave this choice up to Remus” Thank god for Miss Summers, finally being useful. 

“You really want to stay love?”

“Yes”

“Fine but you’re coming home for the weekend and we’ll see how you feel on Monday, okay?”

“Okay Mum”

“Miss Summers, it was lovely seeing you again. I look forward to our next meeting” His mum is saying as she pulls him to his feet and starts to guide his walk like he’s incapable of doing it himself. Strange what she’s saying though because he could have sworn this was their first meeting, but whatever he gets to stay and he also gets to see his mummy, so nothing really matters passed that right now.

“You as well Mrs. Lupin. How a great weekend and please call if you need anything, I’ll give you the papers just in case” She’s handing his mum some booklet of paperwork labelled something like ‘distance learning consent form’. Fuck she better damn well send him back! Why does he even care so much? Last month this would have been a dream come true, but not now.

“Goodbye Remus, stay safe, I’ll see you Thursday”

“Bye Miss Summers, Thanks”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Well it's been a while, my computer broke and after trying to have it fixed I ended up needing a new one, which sucked, but I'm back! with a bit of a long chapter to hopefully make up for it. Hope you guys enjoy! - Myka


	24. AN

Hi guys, I just wanted to pop in and explain why this story hasn't been updated. It's not been abandoned, just that throughout this i've been going through something, I wanted to write a few stories I'd had ideas for for a very long time and I started writing them after I was told I was going blind. I was hoping to get everything out before it became too painful to look at a screen for long, however I've now reached the point where I can't write without setting off an incredible migraine. I am waiting cornea transplant surgery and I'm hoping once that + recovery is done I will be able to write again. So i'm really sorry I didn't get to finish this, I really really wanted to before it came to this point. I have however plotted it out until the end and am writing it in notebooks now, So hopefully once i'm done with everything I'll be able to come back to it.  
Sorry guys, hopefully you'll all understand. - Myka <3


End file.
